Dr. Kulaga's Blog: 2014

Monday, December 15, 2014

The Skewed Meaning of Christmas: Has it Got You Down?

You hear it every day this holiday season, “Don’t forget the true meaning.” I must say, in reference to Christmas, I do think many of us have forgotten the meaning. The media and retailers have such an influence over our society and consequently they have changed some of the meaning; even if we don’t agree with it.

We all know what Christmas really “means” but we still feel guilty for not buying our long lost Uncle Stanley a gift and spending $100 on Christmas Cards to send to people we haven’t talked to in 365 days and probably won’t talk to again for another 365 days. Many of us diminish our guilt by purchasing way too much for family, friends and coworkers only to find that we somehow ended up hurting ourselves, our bank account and our immediate family. It is not that we hate Christmas, rather the real meaning has somewhat changed and we have become a Grinch to this “skewed meaning” of Christmas.

This holiday season, I have counseled and talked to several people that can’t wait for the season to be over. They want Jan 1 to come as quickly as possible. The season doesn’t only have a somewhat skewed meaning, but it is to the point where many people are dreading it altogether. Not good.

So, if you are the person who is dreading the rest of the month because the meaning has been altered, here is how you can put a smile back on your face and enjoy the last 2.5 weeks:

1. Go find your meaning!

Stop saying “the meaning is lost” and start changing the meaning back for you. If you feel that the new meaning has somehow crept into your life, get the old meaning back by reading the Bible, going to Church, relaxing alone or with family, helping out at a local community center, serve food, make something and deliver it to a neighbor; whatever will put peace and spirit back into your heart, do that. What does “the meaning” mean to you? Go do that.

2. Don’t buy anything else.

Instead of giving in to the skewed meaning and buying more and more for the next 2 weeks, stop shopping for others and give only what you can or you feel is appropriate based on your meaning. Do not feel guilty for not running yourself dry financially or emotionally. Plus, the more you buy this year you may feel that you have to top yourself next year.

3. Make amends.

One thing my papa always told me before he passed, “amends, amends.” For us, this meant, just forgive and move on. In the next two weeks, make amends. If you have any anger or haven’t spoken to someone that you care about and would like to have a relationship with again, bite your tongue and make amends. Being distant from those you love in any capacity can make you distant from the holiday spirit, too. By being closer with family during the time of the season where the true meaning was a lot about spending time with family, you may find the spirit a bit back in your heart.

4. Eat well.

These next few weeks don’t give in to all the cakes, pies and alcohol at work, holiday parties or events. Processed foods, junk foods and alcohol all contribute to a drop in your mood. Instead, eat healthy so that your serotonin is flowing and your mood is up.

5. Exercise.

For the next 2.5 weeks don’t let the blue feeling you have regarding the lost meaning be the excuse as to why you cannot work out. Get up and get out. You need all the endorphins you can get to put you into a positive mood right now. Plus, the better you feel about yourself the more confident you are in your choices, your beliefs and your values. Three aspects to your life that will help you stick to your personal meaning of Christmas.

This week’s challenge: If the skewed meaning of Christmas has got you down, select two tips off the list above and implement them for the next 2.5 weeks. Try to relocate your meaning of Christmas and/or bring up your mood so you can enjoy the rest of the season.

Dr. Jaime Kulaga is a Certified Life Coach, Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Motivational Speaker. She is the author of the upcoming book "The SuperWoman's Guide to Super Fulfillment: Step-by-Step Strategies to Create Work-Life Balance," to be published in March 2015. She is the inspirational founder of the nationally known SuperWoman Workshops. Dr. Kulaga has been featured internationally for her expertise in Work-Life Balance. http://www.mindfulrehab.com

Monday, December 8, 2014

Top 3 Reasons Why Some People Just “Have it Good”

Top 3 Reasons Why Some People Just “Have it Good”

Have you ever met people whose lives seem to be awesome? Good things happen to them, one right after another. Their children are always doing well in school, their cars never break down, and they are promoted every year. If something does come up in their lives that constitutes a negative, it doesn’t seem to crush them.

In contrast, have you met people you almost always feel bad for? They just can’t seem to catch a break in their lives. Their child is always sick, they’re hitching rides to work because their car broke down again, and they never get the promotion they deserve. It’s one negative thing after another. They live their lives in crisis mode every day.

Here are the top 3 reasons why those who “Have it Good” actually “Have it Good”

1. They don’t make decisions at low points in their lives.

The difference between the people who always seem to “have it good” and those who “can’t get a break” is that those who “have it good” make decisions at the high points in their lives. If you are in a depressed or angry state, are going through a divorce, are failing at something, or have recently lost a family member or your job, you are not ready to make a major life decision. When you are going through a major change or are at a low point in your life, there is probably a lot of emotion involved. When emotion becomes dominant in decision making, the decision is often not the right decision. It’s a decision made out of spite, revenge, anger, sadness, or desperation and not out of clear mindedness, analysis, or basic commonsense.

Plan: During the low points of your life, even if you caused them, reflect on the good decisions you have made overall in your life as well as in the recent months. To prepare for that, create a list of your successes when you are strong and on a good path. When you become vulnerable or tired, take out your list and reflect on your good choices. This reflection will boost your self-confidence in this low point and allow you some time to step back from the situation and make a more clear assessment as opposed to an impulsive decision. Remember, the process in decision making is retreat, rethink and then react.

Also, before a negative situation occurs, be sure to create a list of strong and honest supports in your life. That way, if you have to make certain decisions relatively quickly, you have genuine people that you know you are safe to turn to for support or general direction.

2. They have a positive attitude even in tough situations

Making one bad decision after another at the low points in our lives is the equivalent of never getting a break. On the other hand, those who come from a place of positive thinking and who make decisions at high points in their lives set themselves up for making a second positive decision and so on. The more clear-minded and positive your thought process is, the more options you’ll realize are available to you. And the more you live in crisis mode, the more you’ll narrow your vision. Why? Because when you’re in a situation that seems overwhelming with too much going on, your mind shuts down options to free up some space and energy.

Plan: You can turn around the habit of being in crisis mode and making decisions at low points by staying positive and taking time when making decisions. “Stay positive” is not just a cliché. When you engage in positive thinking and give your mind time to process a situation, you open yourself up to seeing the wider range of choices currently available to you.

3. They spend their Energy dollars wisely

The brain, in a resting state, consumes approximately 20 percent of your body’s energy. Thus, even in a clear-minded state of rest, you are expending energy. When you are in crisis mode, you can expect to expend at least double or triple the amount of energy as when you are not in crisis mode. Reflect on what kind of thoughts and actions use up your energy every day. I tell my clients to think about it like this. You get 20 energy dollars per day. Use them wisely. If you only had 20 dollars to spend each day, you would focus on what counts and matters most to you and your family. Would you spend 5 of your 20 dollars buying someone else’s old shoes? No! So why would you want to spend your energy dollars on feeding into someone’s gossip, holding grudges, complaining about your boss, or worrying about things that don’t really matter.

Plan: Be cognizant of how much time each day you spend on negativity toward yourself or others. Take your energy and focus on how to create more opportunities in your life as opposed to dwelling and ruminating on what is not going right for you. Even bank some of your hard earned energy dollars by being more grateful for what you do already have. And remember, by banking some extra dollars, when a crisis does hit, you will have enough energy saved up to not let the situation defeat or crush you. Rather you can tend to the issue with much more positivity and clear-mindedness.

Challenge:

This week I challenge you to select one of the three tips listed above and begin implementing it into your life.

Monday, December 1, 2014

More, More, MORE!: Fighting Comfort and Hurdling the Plateau

More, More, MORE!: Fighting Comfort and Hurdling the Plateau

As we set goals and achieve them, there is such an importance of enjoying the fruits that you worked so hard for. Instead of immediately chasing the next goal and never being satisfied with what you have, perhaps you have learned to stop for a moment and be thankful for all you have achieved and earned. As much as I preach this concept of working and then stopping to enjoy, there is also another extreme; the extreme of setting goals, achieving and stopping to enjoy and never starting again.

Yes, you should stop to enjoy what you earned, but don’t retreat altogether from setting more goals and moving up toward more life fulfillment. If you moved up in life and loved it, imagine if you moved up again. The reality is people get very comfortable in their lives. Once comfort sets in, the mind tricks us into thinking that we are alright. That we have made it or that we are done. The truth is, to find even more fulfillment, even more happiness you have to break out of your comfort zone and push yourself a little more.

If you have a dream, go for it. Baby steps each and every day will lead you toward that goal. Once we get comfortable with our lives our fulfillment stays stagnant and will eventually dry up. If you are getting comfortable with your life, you are about to hit a plateau. If you are comfortable in your life, you have hit the plateau. Keep your life passionate. Passion comes from opening your mind to new aspects in life.

In order to open your mind up to new aspects in life you have to realize that you are much more capable than you ever thought. Push yourself to the next level. If you don’t think you can reach a goal, I challenge you to write out the goal and all the baby steps it will take to get there; each individual baby step. This month start with baby step 1. Taking one small baby step toward this particular goal of yours is more than you have ever done. Fight the desire to stay comfortable and stagnant and go one more step.

In your business, push for more. You might not be staffed, but push for more clients. Once you get the clients you will hire more, do more, and make more. In your business, market more. Don’t find excuses as to why you can’t market more, just do it. Your business will thrive. In your business, follow-up more, set more expectations, believe that your business can get to the next level. Push through this plateau to the next level by saying “More, More, More.”

In your personal life, push for more. You might think you can’t take a leap toward a lifelong goal, take it anyway. Once you make the leap you will do everything in your power to make it work if it was truly something you wanted. In your life, market yourself more. Don’t find excuses as to why you are not a good fit for something or why you can’t take control of a certain aspect to your life, just do it. Put yourself out there. You will thrive as a person when you do things that you thought you did not have the ability to do. Confidence will soar and your belief in who you really are will increase your self-worth. In your personal life, follow up more. Write down why you started projects and goals and when you find yourself discouraged, follow up and read what you wrote about why you began. Reach out to supports and ask for encouragement. If you have delegated out tasks in your life, follow up to make sure that others are staying on top of the assignments you gave them so that you know the progress of your goals. Push through this plateau to the next level by saying “More, More, More.”

This week’s challenge: What is one aspect to your personal and one aspect to your professional life in which you can bring things to the next level?

Monday, November 24, 2014

Get Rejected

Rejection is not easy. It’s scary, it’s frustrating, it’s embarrassing and is even a blow to our self-confidence at times. But rejection is actually a good thing. Rejection is great for two reasons. First, rejection demonstrates that you are willing to put yourself out there. You are willing to take leaps and take up opportunities. It is in these risks, leaps and opportunities that potential life fulfillment lies. If you have never been rejected before, or find that you have only been rejected a few times, it doesn’t mean that you are “that good” it means that you are not taking up as many opportunities as you potentially could.

Now, the goal here is of course to not be rejected and have a life of success, but the reality is we all get rejected. And, if you have received a few “no’s” here and there, it should not be viewed as something that hinders you from trying again or that increases your fear about rejection. Rather let the rejection be seen and viewed by everyone, including yourself, as an attempt at taking a risk to grow your life. Then, see the rejection as a barrier, not a dead end.

Second, rejection teaches resilience. Resilience is something that you are going to need when you do land a major opportunity. By being rejected and then bouncing back through analyzing ways to seek out a “yes”, you are creating a strong foundation for what you are going to need when a rejection turns into a success. If we get rejected and then use negative self-talk and work effortlessly to decrease our confidence and increase our fears, we will soon find a lack of fulfillment in life. We will also discover a loss of self-control. We turn over our control to fear when we take no from someone or something as our final and permanent answer. Instead, when we see a rejection as a hurdle and find solutions to jump the hurdle, we are increasing our confidence, critical thinking skills, and abilities which in turn will land us a success in the near future.

This week your goal is to take one leap, small or big that you have wanted to take for some time. Let it be a leap that you not only have thought about but have calculated the risk to and that the primary factor that is holding you back is that you could be rejected.

Monday, November 17, 2014

How to Downsize Your Work Load, When you Can’t Downsize Your Workload

So you have done all the math, created a dozen flow charts, and used all the research based tips out there, and you still find, that to minimize your life duties and all the work on your plate, you really just can’t do it. Maybe you could, but then bills wouldn’t get paid, children will starve or your life might be harder than it already is. The reality is, downsizing your life isn’t realistic at this point in time. So, what is a person to do?

Here are the 3 B’s on how to Downsize, when you can’t Downsize:

Boundaries

Set boundaries. Boundaries keep things as structured as possible for you in a chaotic mess. If you have work today, the kid and dog are both throwing up, you have a meeting after work and your roof is leaking, this is not the time to add on drama from negative Nancy or to promise your neighbor that you will watch his bird for the next week while he is on a cruise. I know this scenario seems extreme, but the reality is, we do take on too much unnecessary drama or tasks when we are already bogged down and just trying to tread water in our own lives.

If you can’t downsize right now, it might not be the time in your life that you can help out your neighbor and his bird, or give advice to the office drama queen. Setting boundaries with these people will make you stronger and more efficient so that you can downsize your own life in the future and then go ahead and give back. It is okay if you are drowning to not add more weight to your arms. And, saying no and setting boundaries doesn’t mean that you are never going to help people. Let these people know that you can help them but only at certain times. That is a boundary. So, if you actually like talking to the office drama queen, set a boundary with her that it is only on the drive home from work. If you feel guilty saying no to caregiving for a parent, go ahead and help them, but perhaps do so only on certain days or certain times. Setting boundaries creates structure, builds confidence, and makes the chaos of not being able to downsize seem a bit more seamless.

Breaks

When you are rushing through your day, whether you are changing hats multiple times or just stuck on one long, boring and tough project, take breaks. By walking away from the chaos you give your mind a moment to breathe.

You know that couple that fights all the time, but they can’t see why, and you can see the problem clear as day? Well, you see the problem clear as day because you are not stuck in that cycle of the same thing each and every day. You are an outsider peering in. When you are stuck doing a task or are stressed out from the hustle, take a step back and become an outsider. Stop affiliating yourself with the chaos, even if just for 10 minutes, and instead, play the role of the third party. Go for a walk, roam the bathroom at work, or take a power nap.

Taking a step back from chaos for even just 10 minutes helps you to change your perspective. This step away helps your mind to refocus and attend to a task with a fresh lens. When you take breaks to refocus your perspective, you are actually saving yourself time. Being overwhelmed leads your mind and body toward a shut down. Being overwhelmed also adds extra stress, and you quickly find yourself doing the same thing over and over again, wrong. When you can’t downsize, you need all the time you can get- you don’t have time to make repeated mistakes. Taking short breaks periodically actually saves you time in the long run.

Boredom

Get bored. That’s right, be bored. Find time once time per month to be bored. Perhaps on a Sunday that it is raining, you might find yourself putzing around the house doing little chores, laying on the couch, doing much of nothing. This is a good thing.

I do not think that every weekend you should be bored and not go seize the day, but I also think that it is a good thing to be bored once a month. Sometimes, hanging out on the weekends is tiring. Sure it is a blast, but whether you are having a blast or having a tough day, you are expending some amount of energy. When you are bored, and don’t give in to doing anything, your body is storing up some energy. Energy is what you need when you can’t downsize your life. When you give in to being bored, your mind and body are ready to take on the tasks of life. Your mind is ready to focus and your body is ready for the physical day to day hustle. In fact, your mind and body are, in fact, bored, an actually want to do something. Even your mind and body need vacation time from work and life.

Dr. Jaime Kulaga is a Certified Life Coach, Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Motivational Speaker. She is the author of the upcoming book “The SuperWoman's Guide to Super Fulfillment: Step-by-Step Strategies to Create Work-Life Balance,” to be published in March 2015. She is the inspirational founder of the nationally known SuperWoman Workshops. Dr. Kulaga has been featured internationally for her expertise in Work-Life Balance. http://www.mindfulrehab.com

Monday, November 10, 2014

Letting Go, Today

Letting Go, Today

Unfortunately, as we continue on this journey in life, we have to leave the fairy tale endings to Disney. Sometimes the bad guy does win, the cheater ends up marrying his beautiful mistress and your worst fear does in fact happen. Since this is life and we can’t realistically turn to Disney for the happy endings, we need to let things go and take control over what we can control, our actions and reactions.

Letting go isn’t easy. Even in a brief moment of frustration with a partner, letting go can be tough if you are trying to prove a point. But, when we have to let things go that are fueled by a human’s strongest emotions, that is when marching on becomes one of the hardest things to do. Anger, love and fear are some of the most powerful emotions a person can have. If love can lead to an entire life of fulfillment (happiness, health, true partner), and anger could lead to death (violence and murders), with such extremes, how can we let things go in the midst of our emotions ruling us?

Here are 3 tips that you can implement to help you Let Go, Today:

1. Challenge fear.

Often when we let go of the past we are actually letting go of comfort. I understand that anger, fear, pain, and a loss are not comfortable like your couch, but the body is used to acting, reacting and thinking in one certain way. It is easy to be the same way, it take energy and effort to change. Your mind wants to keep on in a direction that is familiar with, even though it knows it is not necessarily good.

Fear creeps up in your mind. Fear lets you know that if you let go of what is holding you to the past, you might not have a good future. We fill the unpredictable holes of our future with fear, not joy. I suppose the truth is, your future is not guaranteed and definitely could end up not in your favor. Fear tricks you into thinking that it is better to stay “as is” than move forward because of this unpredictability. But the reality also is if you are struggling to let go of something, you aren’t in a place you want to be anyway right now. So, take the leap and let go.

And, if one reason you are not letting go is for the fact that fear is telling you a “what if story” that is no excuse either. Often fear keeps you miserable because it convinces you “what if things get better?” “What if she/he changes?” “What if next go around, I get the promotion?” Instead, challenge fear and say “what if I leave and things go great for me?” “What if I let go and am finally happy?”

The outlook is much better for your future than your past because you can create the future, you can’t change the past. Living in consistent anger or fear destroys opportunities that come your way and ensures that your peace within is crushed. Prove fear wrong and challenge it. Try letting go and begin to embrace your future. Hold onto your future like you currently are holding on to your past. What you are currently doing is not working, so shift your actions elsewhere.

Make goals for what your body, mind and spirit needs and focus on that this week. If it makes you feel better to make a list of all your fears and pains and set it aside for the week to come back to next week, do that. Let it go for one week and next week decide whether or not you want to come back to the list of pains or continue on your new path.

2. Don’t let anger control you.

Literally see anger as a person that you are arm wrestling. When anger is consuming your decisions and taking away your happiness, think of him as pushing down harder on your arm. Fight back. No one controls you, no emotions control you. Take back the power and slam anger to the table. If anger encourages you to seek revenge, feel jealousy or become greedy he is pushing your hand further toward the table. Play him back by hitting the gym, doing something good for you, or moving your life forward. Don’t lose this battle.

3. Rid of the physical pain.

If you have pain within you, chances are it might also be around you. This week begin ridding of the physical pain- and by this I mean items that are reminders of a negative past. It is not easy to rid of physical items that remind you of pain, but neither is waking up looking at everything that reminds you of this pain (which in turn consequently elicits rage, anger or torment within you).

It is not fair that you have to start each day or week being reminded of hurtful things. Stepping your foot into the week with anger, fears or frustration puts you behind from the get go. If you have managed to rid of a person who hurt you, don’t let them linger around in symbols all day. Finalize the last chapter and start a new one. Will it be easy to physically let go of items? Absolutely not. Whether your mind tells you or not, you have the strength to move forward.

Got pictures? Toss them. If you can’t toss them for whatever reason, please don’t have them sitting in 8X10 frames over the fireplace mantel for God’s sake! Put them in a box and lock them away. If you have children, and they want certain photos out, explain to them your pain and allow them to put a couple photos in their room away from you. If there are certain clothes that remind you of painful events, donate them. You can buy more. If there are certain rooms that remind you of anger or pain, rearrange the room. Purchase new items for the room or hang up inspirational photos/paintings in that room. Whatever you do, this week, physically downsize your pain or anger.

When you ground yourself to the past, you are stuck there. This means that you are literally making your future, your past. Instead, this week, your goal is to select one of the tips from above and begin “Letting it Go, Today” and start creating a future that is anything but your past.

Monday, November 3, 2014

Keeping Boundaries at the Holidays

The Holidays are approaching as fast as a child opening a present from Santa. But just because the Season is approaching us quickly, doesn’t mean that your decision making needs to follow the same pace. One of the worst decisions we can make over the Holiday Season is to blur the boundaries that took us all year long to set.

Sometimes, the Holiday Cheer makes us all warm and fuzzy inside. And, soon after the “Cheer” and Egg Nog seeps into our veins we realize that Aunt Mary, Negative Nancy and our Ex-Boyfriend were not as bad as we made them out to be. We worked all year to set boundaries, take a step back, and say “No” to their endless commands, but now, the Holiday Cheer has somehow changed our perceptions about them.

Reality check, the reason that these people don’t seem so bad anymore is because you used your hard earned energy to set boundaries with them for the past 10 months. Life is better when you set boundaries with the takers or the people who suck you dry.

By setting boundaries with people who are toxic for you, you have freed up time. This extra time and energy allows you to give more to your priorities and passions, like your spouse, children, work, leisure activities, and, oh yeah, you, too.

Below are some common choices we make over the Holiday Season to blur boundaries:

1. Throw Unnecessary Parties

Throwing parties just because you’re “supposed to” wastes time, money and can quickly turn you into the family “doormat.” With the limited time you already have, you may find yourself pulled in all directions as you become stressed out planning, shopping and cooking.

The Fix

Throwing a party always sounds fun in the beginning. But slow your Holiday Pace down and really take the time to review what will go into throwing this event. This year, go to Holiday Parties. You don’t have to host a party. You don’t have to plan. You don’t have to shop or cook. Plus, you can leave whenever you want and there is no clean up. Keep your priorities straight and your boundaries in line.

Guilt Alert: If you really feel guilty about not hosting a party or cooking, go to an event and bring something. And remember, it doesn’t have to be home cooked. Pick up a nice dish from your local supermarket.

2. Throwing A Holiday Party and Inviting the Wrong People

So, maybe you have decided that you want to throw a Holiday Party this year. You have the time and the money, and you are excited about the process. Your excitement may quickly spiral if you invite the wrong people. Inviting toxic people like the Ex-Boyfriend, Negative Nancy and Aunt Mary might end up dropping your mood, sucking your energy reservoir dry, and may skew boundaries that last for days or months beyond the party.

The Fix

If you are throwing a party, hold the invite! This is YOUR party. And, sure you can cry if you want to, but why cry? This is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year. Instead of dreading this Holiday Season, make it a truly Cheerful one. If you have set boundaries with certain people and think that inviting them to your party would skew those boundaries, don’t invite them. These people use you or treat you like a doormat 10 months per year, step away from feeling guilty about not inviting them to one party.

Guilt Alert: If you feel really bad for not inviting a certain someone, send them a Holiday Card or even leave them a small present on their desk.

3. Going Overboard with Gifts

Society has a great way of pressuring us to make the Holidays bigger and bigger each year. Society is also great at making us feel guilty if we don’t conform to this gift giving craze. Everyone is throwing out the words “the season of giving” but sometimes this feels like the season of everyone “taking.”

The Fix

There is nothing “Cheerful” about starting out 2015 in debt all because you bought gifts for long lost Uncles and the boss you can’t stand. This year, list out your priorities in life. Then, note the people that come up on that list. These are the people that deserve something special from you. And, if you can’t afford to get these people a gift, take your time to create something for them. Check out online sites to help you get some inspiration for fun and practical holiday gifts you can make. Last, this Holiday Season, realize that you don’t have to participate in all the Secret Santa’s.

Guilt Alert: If you really feel the need to give this season but don’t want to give to people who are undeserving, create a list of charities or Universities that you would like to give to, and donate your time or money to them. Also, take a moment to reflect back on the year and who really helped you, encouraged you or mentored you. Send over some Cheer to these people. These are the people you want in your life today, and in 2015.

4. Stop Exercising

We often find ourselves with a ton of excuses to stop working out during the Holidays. Have you ever said “it’s too cold out,” “I’m too busy shopping, planning or cooking,” “I ‘ll get back in the routine in January” or “I won’t eat seconds at Thanksgiving?” Whatever the reasons is, we find an opportunity to not go exercise.

The Fix

Don’t stop exercising. Now, more than anytime during the year, your body needs you. Chances are, your eating is about to change. Your body isn’t going to be used to the extra sugars, carbs and fat. Plus, there is added stress for a variety of reasons. Your body needs a release. This Holiday Season don’t forget about you and your body in the midst of providing for others. If it’s too cold outside, exercise in your home (you can download an app on your phone or pop in a DVD) or, just get gym. Find a way to make exercise happen. Exercise will help release your stress, keep you fit, and boost your mood.

Guilt Alert: If you feel guilty exercising because you “have” so many other things to do, acknowledge the reality that staying healthy and positive makes the people who you spend most of your time with, and who you care most about, happier and more fulfilled.

Monday, October 27, 2014

Are You the Victim or the Villain?

I know Halloween is right around the corner, but that doesn’t mean you get to play the Victim or Villain role more frequently. Do you ever hear yourself saying, “It’s not my fault.”? This is the Victim playing its part. Or, do you ever hear yourself saying, “It’s all your fault.”? This is the Villain in action.

The more responsibility you take over your actions, even the ones you are not proud of, the more control over your own life and outcomes you will have. Patterson, Grenny, McMillan and Switzler (2002) talk about the Victim and Villain roles in their book, Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High.

Depending on what context you are in, you may play different roles. For example, in your marriage you may play the Villain role where you are consistently assuming that your partner has bad motives for their actions.

For instance, if you promised to pick up something after work and forgot and you get home and your spouse asks you for XYZ, if your reaction is “You never understand how busy I am! You don’t care about what I do and how stressed out I am! You are so inconsiderate and not helpful,” you have used the Villain role.

The reality is, you promised to pick up XYZ after work. I understand that you are stressed but you made a commitment. If you didn’t come through, fine, but you can’t turn someone else into the problem because you didn’t commit as promised. Instead, acknowledge that you forgot, were wrong, etc., and then step back and assess how you can approach the fact that you need more support. Also, as you step back instead of lashing out, take this time to assess your priorities and life roles. Maybe there are areas that you need to cut back in life because of the choices you made, the boundaries you did not set, or the times you said “yes” to tasks that you know you shouldn’t have taken on. This may have nothing to do with your spouse. Take control of your life by avoiding using the Villain role.

Perhaps outside of the home you are the Victim. According to Patterson, Grenny, McMillan and Switzler (2002), when you play the Victim role you are exaggerating your own innocence. For example, in the workplace you come to find out that you were again passed up for a promotion. You have been at this place of employment for three years and you feel you deserve it over Adam who just received a promotion after being with the company for only nine months.

However, in this deceiving Victim role you play so well, as you tell other people about your “tragedy,” you leave out details that might discredit your Victim role. For example, the fact that you are late at least two times per week, you dropped the ball on a major project that your boss gave you last month, and you are the office drama and gossip, not to mention that you use every sick day you have as soon as you earn it. It is obvious why you did not get the promotion, but instead, you tell everyone only facts that support and highlight why you should have received the promotion and “forget” to tell everything else.

Instead of putting yourself in a helpless Victim role, take this time to complete an honest self-reflection and start looking at yourself through a different lens. What can you improve on? What strengths do you have? How can you take responsibility and control over your life to start aligning more in a direction of fulfillment and better outcomes? Take control of your life by avoiding using the Victim role.

The problem with the Victim and Villain roles is that you are taking personal control away from your life and passing it to someone else. At the same time, you are also ruining relationships with spouses, family coworkers and bosses. Instead of retreating from a situation to think about how you should approach a mistake you or someone else made, you are reacting first. This shows lack of self-control as you are letting strong emotions control you. Remember the order of action when you are upset is to first Retreat, then Rethink and always last, React.

So, which are you, the Victim or the Villain? When are you the Victim? When are you the Villain?

This week take time to reflect on which roles you play most often and when. How can you take control back and kick both the Victim and the Villain to the curb?

Dr. Jaime Kulaga is the author of Type "Superwoman: Finding the LIFE in Work-Life Balance - A Self-Searching Book for Women". She is the inspirational founder of the nationally known SuperWoman Workshops. Dr. Kulaga has been featured in Forbes, The Chicago Tribune, Glamour, Self and Prevention magazines as well as the national show Daytime for her expertise in Work-Life Balance. http://www.mindfulrehab.com