Are You the
Victim or the Villain?
I know Halloween is right around the corner, but that
doesn’t mean you get to play the Victim or Villain role more frequently. Do you
ever hear yourself saying, “It’s not my fault.”? This is the Victim playing its
part. Or, do you ever hear yourself saying, “It’s all your fault.”? This is the
Villain in action.
The more responsibility you take over your actions, even the
ones you are not proud of, the more control over your own life and outcomes you
will have. Patterson, Grenny, McMillan and Switzler (2002) talk about the
Victim and Villain roles in their book, Crucial
Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High.
Depending on what context you are in, you may play different
roles. For example, in your marriage you may play the Villain role where you
are consistently assuming that your partner has bad motives for their actions.
For instance, if you promised to pick up something after
work and forgot and you get home and your spouse asks you for XYZ, if your reaction
is “You never understand how busy I am! You don’t care about what I do and how
stressed out I am! You are so inconsiderate and not helpful,” you have used the
Villain role.
The reality is, you promised to pick up XYZ after work. I
understand that you are stressed but you made a commitment. If you didn’t come
through, fine, but you can’t turn someone else into the problem because you
didn’t commit as promised. Instead, acknowledge that you forgot, were wrong,
etc., and then step back and assess how you can approach the fact that you need
more support. Also, as you step back instead of lashing out, take this time to
assess your priorities and life roles. Maybe there are areas that you need to
cut back in life because of the choices you made, the boundaries you did not
set, or the times you said “yes” to tasks that you know you shouldn’t have
taken on. This may have nothing to do with your spouse. Take control of your
life by avoiding using the Villain role.
Perhaps outside of the home you are the Victim. According to
Patterson, Grenny, McMillan and Switzler (2002), when you play the Victim role
you are exaggerating your own innocence. For example, in the workplace you come
to find out that you were again passed up for a promotion. You have been at
this place of employment for three years and you feel you deserve it over Adam
who just received a promotion after being with the company for only nine
months.
However, in this deceiving Victim role you play so well, as
you tell other people about your “tragedy,” you leave out details that might
discredit your Victim role. For example, the fact that you are late at least
two times per week, you dropped the ball on a major project that your boss gave
you last month, and you are the office drama and gossip, not to mention that
you use every sick day you have as soon as you earn it. It is obvious why you
did not get the promotion, but instead, you tell everyone only facts that
support and highlight why you should have received the promotion and “forget”
to tell everything else.
Instead of putting yourself in a helpless Victim role, take
this time to complete an honest self-reflection and start looking at yourself
through a different lens. What can you improve on? What strengths do you have?
How can you take responsibility and control over your life to start aligning
more in a direction of fulfillment and better outcomes? Take control of your
life by avoiding using the Victim role.
The problem with the Victim and Villain roles is that you
are taking personal control away from your life and passing it to someone else.
At the same time, you are also ruining relationships with spouses, family
coworkers and bosses. Instead of retreating from a situation to think about how
you should approach a mistake you or someone else made, you are reacting first.
This shows lack of self-control as you are letting strong emotions control you.
Remember the order of action when you are upset is to first Retreat, then
Rethink and always last, React.
So, which are you, the Victim or the Villain? When are you
the Victim? When are you the Villain?
This week take time to reflect on which roles you play most
often and when. How can you take control back and kick both the Victim and the
Villain to the curb?
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