Wednesday, January 27, 2016

13 Ways to Reduce Stress

13 Ways to Reduce Stress




Below are 13 different ways that you can choose from to reduce your stress. Which 2 can you use this week? 


1.      Rid of toxic people. Some of the biggest stressors we have in life come from family and friends. As hard as this is, if you want to reduce stress in your life, rid of the Toxic people. Pull out the old journal and write down all the people that are toxic in your life. The bi-polars (these people take you up and down. I love you, I hate you), the criers, the takers, the down-right mean people, the users, the bull-shitters, the gossipers, and the passive aggressives. Circle the ones you know you can get rid of first and erase them like you hit the delete button on your computer. The people who stir up drama in your life will always have drama, bringing you down a slippery slope of trying to manage their stress and your own. Some people say you are what you eat. I say, you are who you associate with. People are typically a combination of the top three to five people they associate with most. Take a moment to reflect on the people you spend most of your time with and reflect on whether or not these people are in line with your goals and values.

2.      Set boundaries. I understand that there are people that you can’t or may not want to rid of that are toxic. Mothers and fathers can sometimes be toxic and very hurtful. With people that are toxic that you choose not to rid of, you must set clear boundaries. Setting boundaries means that you do not enable people to continue hurting you. Kindness ≠ Doormat. If you keep giving and giving to people, they will keep taking and taking. That is human nature; you can’t fault people for that. You can help people, but you do not need to change your schedule and do things that are harmful to you in order to help them. Once you begin working harder to help someone than they are working to help themselves, you are becoming a doormat.


3.      Do not compare yourself. One of the best things that you can do to avoid stress on your journey of life is to not compare yourself to others. When you compare yourself to someone else, you put yourself in a direct line for failure. Every person’s past is different, their biology is different, their circumstances are different and there is a lot you do not know about them in general. You are in control of you and need to take the time and energy to explore who you are before you can rate yourself up against someone else, who in reality, you might really not even want to be. This does not mean that you cannot have role models and mentors. You can admire certain characteristics in people such as their motivation or integrity. You can use certain people’s life paths as a guide to help you. The one thing you cannot do is measure your success against someone else’s scale of life.

4.      Set realistic goals. If you want to reduce your stressors, set goals that are realistic and attainable. Use the acronym SMART when setting goals for yourself- Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic and Time Bound. Many times women set goals that are unrealistic- sometimes because we are comparing ourselves to someone else, or maybe just because we are dreaming big. It is okay to dream big, but be sure that each goal you set toward your dreams is something that is realistic and attainable for that moment in your life.

5.      Forgive. Let go of grudges, they hurt only you. Only you live with these negative thoughts every day, no one else. Forgive the past and everyone in it, so you can move forward. You do not have to feel forgiveness, you just do it. You deserve freedom. Remember this, if you drink the poison of anger, don’t expect the bad guy to die.  

6.      Stop Ruminating. Some studies have shown that women are more prone to rumination. Rumination is that thinking we have where we spend hours going over the same thing, again and again. When we face stressors, our brain immediately has memories of when we were in similar situations. The issue with women is that we tend to remember events of where we were wrong or where we messed up. We then spiral our brains down into this self-defeating, self-bashing event where we then “ruminate” for hours on what went wrong. This rumination of “things we have done bad,” becomes a pattern. Patterns get stronger and quicker over time. To reduce stress, catch the negativity before you spending hours ruminating. When you begin to think poorly about yourself or decisions, try to find support for your faulty assumption, usually there is not support for self-defeating thoughts. Then, begin to reframe your negative thinking and challenge these thoughts. Don’t turn one bad decision into a lifetime of bad choices and do not think that one bad decision means that you are bad at “everything,” learn from it and march on.

7.      Do not make impulsive decisions. This goes for breaking up with boyfriends, leaving a job, firing an employee, investing in stock, anything. When women make impulsive decisions, it is typically out of emotion. Making impulsive decisions decreases our confidence because those decisions are not strong and had little thought behind them. Write decisions that you are contemplating in your journal and go back to that entry in a day or two. Re-read what you wrote, does this still sound like a good idea?

8.      Tell a good story. Be cautious how to tell your life story. The more you tell your story, the more your story shapes you in the present. Often, women tell stories about their lives that show the drama that they have gone through. This drama becomes a pattern and habit for a way of living. Drama is stressful. Eliminate your own drama by reframing your life story to show strength, resilience and self-control, the more we tell and retell that story, eventually we become that story.

9.      Realize you are not lucky. You earned what you have. When we feel lucky for all we have, we create an underlying stress because “luck runs out.” However, when you earned something, it is more permanent, decreasing stress. You earned that job promotion, you did not get it out of luck. Once you realize you earned what you have confidence goes up and stress due to fear of luck running out, goes down. 

10.  Surround yourself with positive people. Negativity truly is contagious and stressful. Pessimism alone is actually an internal stressor on the body because it not only turns on our fight and flight response, but it keeps it going for longer periods of time. Pessimists tend to think that there is a limited amount of things they can do to change a situation and thus sit in negativity longer than an optimist. Stay away from pessimists and reframe your negativity so that people who are positive want to be around you.

11.  Worry once, not twice. Do not live the same pain twice, especially if the pain might be unnecessary. If you create anxiety and tell yourself that something might go wrong, and then you in fact it goes wrong, then you lived the pain twice. Once before you knew if the situation was going to end badly and then once after you found out. If you tell yourself that something might go wrong, and then you in fact it does not go wrong, you lived the pain initially for no reason. This goes for everything in life. Do not stress out until it’s time to stress.

12.  Realize that you are not perfect. Perfection is non-existent. People who claim that they are perfectionists often don’t find fulfillment in life. Likewise, when a perfectionist does fail, they are very critical of themselves leading to self-defeating beliefs and a reduction in confidence. The enormous amount of stress a person puts on themselves as they work toward being perfect is damaging to the body physiologically and psychologically. Those trying to seek perfection will only cycle at the point in life they are at, whereas those who acknowledge flaws can find ways to fix them and move forward toward developing their full potential.

13.  Distract yourself. Lastly, when you are faced with stressors, distract yourself with something you both enjoy and that is healthy for your body: exercise, journaling, painting, listening to music. Find ways to beef up your energy so that as you begin to take on stressors you do so with the least amount of stress possible.


 
Dr. Jaime Kulaga understands the complexities of women’s lives and helps to increase their self-awareness and self-esteem. She is the advocate of the under-appreciated, over-worked and un-fulfilled woman, dedicated to greatly improving and creating a gratifying, enjoyable life... rather than an unfulfilling existence. As the Author and Founder of the SuperWoman’s Guide to Fulfillment, Dr. Jaime has taught and worked with hundreds of women empowering them to discover their own greatness, and in turn, create a loving and gratifying environment for all those in their lives. 

Through teaching at the University level, coaching and counseling individuals, couples, and businesses, she educates women, men and families to make better lifestyle decisions, steer the course of their lives, and use practical tools for deeper fulfillment and happiness.Dr. Jaime is a frequent mental health expert on TV and radio and has been featured on Forbes.com, on Maria Shriver's blog, and in Glamour, Self, and Prevention magazines for her expertise in work-life balance and life fulfillment. 

Monday, January 18, 2016

Why Positive Thinking Works

Why Positive Thinking Works


Positive thinking does create positive outcomes. But not everyone believes that. Some people think positive outcomes are only dictated based on how much effort you put into something. And, while effort counts, how great of an outcome can you have if you think miserably along the journey to that outcome? Some people think positive thinking is a “trendy thing” and that the truth is, “whatever is meant to be will be.” And while destiny, fate, etc. can be something to believe in, you must realize that your mind and the energy you give off impacts that destiny. And then, you just have cynical people that always find the bad in situations or play devil’s advocate way too much. Well, that is their prerogative, don’t feed into it and stay away from them.
If you want more positive outcomes in your life, you do have to think positive. Positive thinking steers your course into a positive outcome. Here are 3 ways positive thinking leads you toward a positive outcome:

1.       Positive Thinking Builds Confidence.  
When you think positively you think positive about what is around you. You see the good in life and in people. You trust in yourself and your resources. This process builds confidence.  As you see the strength and goodness of your world and yourself, you are more apt to take healthy risks. Instead of letting fear stop you from huge dreams and goals, you are able to believe in yourself and take leaps toward goals. You know that if you hit a barrier, you can hurdle it or those around you will help you hurdle it, and that builds confidence. Confidence is what you need to take risks and risks often lead to positive outcomes, like success.

2.       Positive Thinking makes you See More Resources.
Happy and positive people see what they do have, and that goes for their resources, too. Those who think limitedly, are cynical or fail to see the positive in situations often miss resources that are right around them. They often close their mind to their community and those around them who want to help. You may often hear them use the statement “I always do everything myself.” This is a very powerful black and white comment. This type of thinking shuts down a lot of amazingness right around them. Instead, the positive minded person looks at the resources they do have even if they are limited. They will work harder to find resources in the community that could support them. Resources will help you gain momentum, stay your course, and help you hurdle barriers. All things that will lead to a positive outcome.

3.       Positive Thinking Keeps You Open-Minded.

Positive people have open minds. They listen to others, not just give their two cents.  This gives insight into what people desire, what questions they should ask and alternate points of view. They try to see life through different perspectives. By opening your mind, you see more answers, opportunities and ways to live your life fully. More opportunities, more insights and more fulfillment create more positive outcomes. 


Dr. Jaime Kulaga understands the complexities of women’s lives and helps to increase their self-awareness and self-esteem. She is the advocate of the under-appreciated, over-worked and un-fulfilled woman, dedicated to greatly improving and creating a gratifying, enjoyable life... rather than an unfulfilling existence. As the Author and Founder of the SuperWoman’s Guide to Fulfillment, Dr. Jaime has taught and worked with hundreds of women empowering them to discover their own greatness, and in turn, create a loving and gratifying environment for all those in their lives. 

Through teaching at the University level, coaching and counseling individuals, couples, and businesses, she educates women, men and families to make better lifestyle decisions, steer the course of their lives, and use practical tools for deeper fulfillment and happiness.Dr. Jaime is a frequent mental health expert on TV and radio and has been featured on Forbes.com, on Maria Shriver's blog, and in Glamour, Self, and Prevention magazines for her expertise in work-life balance and life fulfillment. 

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

3 Ways Being a Perfectionist Can Hurt Your Success at Work

3 Ways Being a Perfectionist Can Hurt Your Success at Work



Perfection is subjective. That means, whatever is perfect to me, might not be perfect to you and so on and so forth. Thinking that you have to be perfect at anything in life is not only a barrier to your goals and life fulfillment, but you have directly set yourself up for failure as you spend your days chasing something that doesn’t exist. Having a perfection mindset for yourself and your life has its repercussions and can hinder your success in the workforce.
Here are 3 ways that Perfection hinders success at work and the Fix to overcome this Barrier:

Perfection decreases confidence
As you set out to chase something that does not exist you will find that there are many more failures than successes. Highlighting all the times you almost completed a project “perfectly” isn’t as confidence boosting as “I nailed it!” Your perceptions and self-talk play a huge role in the level of confidence you have and maintain on a day to day basis.
Often, a perfectionist will complete a project and right before it is about to be completed, they tweak it again and again. Nothing is good enough. When the time limit of a task has been met, a perfectionist will find that multiple people compliment them on their work, but they don’t feel that it was “their best.”
When you don’t take time to absorb your successes, you are missing an opportunity to build your confidence. Confidence is what you need to hurdle to the next level of your career, what you need to take healthy risks on bigger more meaningful projects, and to speak up in meetings, interviews, and leadership roles.

The Fix: During projects, talk nice to yourself. Allow yourself to make mistakes, and then get back on track. When projects are completed, before jumping on the next bandwagon of to-do’s, celebrate your successes. You can celebrate by sharing in your success with others who compliment you, with loved ones outside of work or even in your journal quietly to yourself. In fact, I encourage clients to keep a journal of their successes so they can reflect on how much they have achieved year after year.

Perfection burns bridges
Perfectionists often hold the world accountable to this faulty mindset, not just themselves. In the workforce you may find that you don’t often delegate tasks out because “Tom doesn’t do it as well as I do”, or “It’ll just be quicker if I do it.” People notice this behavior. When you give off the perception that only you do things well, you show a certain character side of yourself that many people (co-workers and bosses) may not like. In addition, your support lines at work may not want to assist you when you really end up needing them because they will fear that if they don’t do a task as “perfectly as you,” it will upset you. So, they either avoid you altogether or refuse when you ask for help.

The Fix:
Believe in your team. They may have some very creative or insightful ways of doing something that you never thought of. This new found open mind may generate new doors for you and your team on production, efficiency and bonding. Also, use supports and resources. As perfectionists, we get in a habit of portraying that we can do everything and do it well. But the truth is, this is exhausting and not always true. Instead, begin creating a new reputation today of someone that isn’t to prideful or perfect to ask for help.

Perfection keeps too much on your plate
As we discussed, a perfectionist often holds the world accountable to this mindset, too. Thus before we know it, as we hoard all the tasks because “no one does it like me” we find ourselves with a bunch a to-do’s on our plate. These tasks are often tedious, minuscule or not on path with our goals and bigger dreams. So, if you want to add something major to your agenda that would make you shine, you can’t put that on your plate because it is consumed with a bunch of littler roles. Should a perfectionist finally succumb to delegating out the smaller tasks, they end up turning into the ever hated, micro manager!

The Fix: Create a list of your goals, direction and dreams in your career. What tasks are currently on your plate that significantly align with that bigger goal? Reflect on what you can delegate out, and do that ASAP. Now, assess what roles or projects you should add on to your plate in order to shine, build credibility, or demonstrate leadership. What you end up choosing to delegate out, be sure that you don’t leap into the micromanager role. Instead, set checkpoint dates to discuss progress and goals.






Dr. Jaime Kulaga understands the complexities of women’s lives and helps to increase their self-awareness and self-esteem. She is the advocate of the under-appreciated, over-worked and un-fulfilled woman, dedicated to greatly improving and creating a gratifying, enjoyable life... rather than an unfulfilling existence. As the Author and Founder of the SuperWoman’s Guide to Fulfillment, Dr. Jaime has taught and worked with hundreds of women empowering them to discover their own greatness, and in turn, create a loving and gratifying environment for all those in their lives. 

Through teaching at the University level, coaching and counseling individuals, couples, and businesses, she educates women, men and families to make better lifestyle decisions, steer the course of their lives, and use practical tools for deeper fulfillment and happiness.Dr. Jaime is a frequent mental health expert on TV and radio and has been featured on Forbes.com, on Maria Shriver's blog, and in Glamour, Self, and Prevention magazines for her expertise in work-life balance and life fulfillment. 

Monday, January 11, 2016

Retiring Your Bucket List

Retiring Your Bucket List



There is a new Bucket List in town, and s/he is taking over. The old bucket list was often not realistic and many of us would find that we could rarely, if ever could complete much off of it. Here is an example of the old bucket list:

1.       Visit Fiji
2.       Visit France
3.       Backpack through Europe
4.       Travel to Hawaii
5.       Watch the movie Madagascar in the real Madagascar  
6.       Visit the Pyramids
7.       Safari through Africa
8.       Walk the Great Wall in China
9.       Zip Line in Costa Rica.

And, there would be a list of about 25-75 more places you want to travel to and then maybe you would add in “buy a mansion,” “win the lotto” and “get a Ph.D.” Do you notice a pattern with this bucket list? Sure they are all fantastic dreams, but most of us don’t have the time or money to do all these things. And, if you are the person that can travel to 75 different islands or countries, buy a mansion and win the lotto all before you kick the can, then, (I want to be your friend) go for it! But for the remaining 99% of us, we have to be more realistic. So, the new bucket list is in town to help you do just that.

With the old bucket list, so often we would sacrifice today’s (and this year’s) happiness, for all the places we want to go. For example, you and your spouse decide that you want to plan that amazing trip to Fiji. There is no doubt it will be amazing sleeping in that awesome hut right on the water waking up to the beauty of the mountains and oceans. But that experience comes with a hefty bill. So, you decide that in order to do everything you want while you are in Fiji, you will work overtime, stop date nights and cut back on things you both enjoy doing together and separately of each other, in order to save more money.



This type of behavior ruins your today. It hurts your relationship. While you can cut back on some things to save for a bigger goal, you shouldn’t cut out all your fun and happiness today. You are not promised tomorrow and if you forget about the awesomeness and love you have today, and risk all of it for the future, you may sabotage your life, support systems and loved ones. Instead, try revamping your bucket list.

In the new bucket list, we have a few amazing places we want to go, but places to travel to don’t compose the entire list. And, we are much more realistic. Instead, we add in things that we want to do, that we can do right now, tomorrow, this weekend or this month. Things that will add life and happiness to our life today and even grow our relationships. You new bucket list may look something like this:
1.       Travel to Fiji
2.       Still going to watch Madagascar in Madagascar
3.       Try Paddle boarding
4.       Take a cooking class
5.       Try hot yoga
6.       Read 50 Shades of Grey
7.       Golf at 3 new courses
8.       Go Glamping
9.       Try Horseback riding
10.   Have a picnic at XYZ park (maybe this is a park you have lived by for 10 years and never went to)
11.   Try surfing
12.   Buy a home
13.   Go for my PhD

Do you notice a difference between the first list and the revamped one? In the revamped list, you still can dream big. You can still travel, you can still grow academically and work for a home, but you also get to add value, life and inspiration into today. You can add in more fun, more passion and more value in your life today and it doesn’t have to cost you all your time and money. I am sure there are tons of things you would like to try other than travel, so think outside of the old bucket list and bring yourself back to today and things you have never experienced that are right in front of you.


This week’s challenge: Create a New Bucket list with 10 things on it that you could do in the next 30 days. In the next 30 days do 2 things off your bucket list.







Dr. Jaime Kulaga understands the complexities of women’s lives and helps to increase their self-awareness and self-esteem. She is the advocate of the under-appreciated, over-worked and un-fulfilled woman, dedicated to greatly improving and creating a gratifying, enjoyable life... rather than an unfulfilling existence. As the Author and Founder of the SuperWoman’s Guide to Fulfillment, Dr. Jaime has taught and worked with hundreds of women empowering them to discover their own greatness, and in turn, create a loving and gratifying environment for all those in their lives. 

Through teaching at the University level, coaching and counseling individuals, couples, and businesses, she educates women, men and families to make better lifestyle decisions, steer the course of their lives, and use practical tools for deeper fulfillment and happiness.Dr. Jaime is a frequent mental health expert on TV and radio and has been featured on Forbes.com, on Maria Shriver's blog, and in Glamour, Self, and Prevention magazines for her expertise in work-life balance and life fulfillment.