Are You the Victim or the Villain?

Are You the Victim or the Villain?

 

I know Halloween is right around the corner, but that doesn’t mean you get to play the Victim or Villain role more frequently. Do you ever hear yourself saying, “It’s not my fault.”? This is the Victim playing its part. Or, do you ever hear yourself saying, “It’s all your fault.”? This is the Villain in action.

The more responsibility you take over your actions, even the ones you are not proud of, the more control over your own life and outcomes you will have. Patterson, Grenny, McMillan and Switzler (2002) talk about the Victim and Villain roles in their book, Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High.

Depending on what context you are in, you may play different roles. For example, in your marriage you may play the Villain role where you are consistently assuming that your partner has bad motives for their actions.

 

For instance, if you promised to pick up something after work and forgot and you get home and your spouse asks you for XYZ, if your reaction is “You never understand how busy I am! You don’t care about what I do and how stressed out I am! You are so inconsiderate and not helpful,” you have used the Villain role.

The reality is, you promised to pick up XYZ after work. I understand that you are stressed but you made a commitment. If you didn’t come through, fine, but you can’t turn someone else into the problem because you didn’t commit as promised. Instead, acknowledge that you forgot, were wrong, etc., and then step back and assess how you can approach the fact that you need more support. Also, as you step back instead of lashing out, take this time to assess your priorities and life roles. Maybe there are areas that you need to cut back in life because of the choices you made, the boundaries you did not set, or the times you said “yes” to tasks that you know you shouldn’t have taken on. This may have nothing to do with your spouse. Take control of your life by avoiding using the Villain role.

Perhaps outside of the home you are the Victim. According to Patterson, Grenny, McMillan and Switzler (2002), when you play the Victim role you are exaggerating your own innocence. For example, in the workplace you come to find out that you were again passed up for a promotion. You have been at this place of employment for three years and you feel you deserve it over Adam who just received a promotion after being with the company for only nine months.

 

However, in this deceiving Victim role you play so well, as you tell other people about your “tragedy,” you leave out details that might discredit your Victim role. For example, the fact that you are late at least two times per week, you dropped the ball on a major project that your boss gave you last month, and you are the office drama and gossip, not to mention that you use every sick day you have as soon as you earn it. It is obvious why you did not get the promotion, but instead, you tell everyone only facts that support and highlight why you should have received the promotion and “forget” to tell everything else. 

Instead of putting yourself in a helpless Victim role, take this time to complete an honest self-reflection and start looking at yourself through a different lens. What can you improve on? What strengths do you have? How can you take responsibility and control over your life to start aligning more in a direction of fulfillment and better outcomes? Take control of your life by avoiding using the Victim role.  

The problem with the Victim and Villain roles is that you are taking personal control away from your life and passing it to someone else. At the same time, you are also ruining relationships with spouses, family coworkers and bosses. Instead of retreating from a situation to think about how you should approach a mistake you or someone else made, you are reacting first. This shows lack of self-control as you are letting strong emotions control you. Remember the order of action when you are upset is to first Retreat, then Rethink and always last, React.

 

So, which are you, the Victim or the Villain? When are you the Victim? When are you the Villain?

This week take time to reflect on which roles you play most often and when. How can you take control back and kick both the Victim and the Villain to the curb?   

 

 

 

 

Dr. Jaime Kulaga is the author of Type "Superwoman: Finding the LIFE in Work-Life Balance - A Self-Searching Book for Women". She is the inspirational founder of the nationally known SuperWoman Workshops. Dr. Kulaga has been featured in Forbes, The Chicago Tribune, Glamour, Self and Prevention magazines as well as the national show Daytime for her expertise in Work-Life Balance. http://www.mindfulrehab.com

   

Getting From A Nobody to A Someday Takes Baby Steps

 

Getting From A Nobody to A Someday Takes Baby Steps

 

This week I wanted to share with you my ordinary journey because like most people, I am ordinary. I grew up in a situation where I wish it had been a lot better. But, I have decided to not let that define me.

I went to college and took out way too many student loans, and prayed that some type of loan forgiveness would happen. But, while lawmakers do their thing, I am paying on my loans.

I got married at 23 and pregnant at 23. I think I also bought a house and a car at this exact time- all of which I could not afford. I made a bunch of mistakes, but somehow made it out and learned a few things.

Later on, I decided that to avoid paying on my student loans I should just keep going to school and take out more student loans. To me, this somehow made sense. I graduated with my Doctorate and opened my own small practice.

For a while I worked 3 jobs at once, and figured that must be the perfect time to get pregnant with my second child. So, that’s what I did. Three jobs, four jobs, what’s really the difference?

I look back and see that I have always made it through. There were hard times, fun times, “I’m stupid why can’t I see it” times, and then times of success. But, truth be told, this is the story of all of us in some fashion. I am ordinary. Each experience was a step, in some form, toward the “me” today.

 

Growing up, not having it easy, made me see what I didn’t want, but it also made me taste what I wanted even more. During this time the motivation sector of my brain was brought to life and fueled with never ending power and momentum.

Going into debt, again and again, taught me that you have to honor the commitments you make and work to get yourself out of the trouble you create. You have to own up to your life choices, good and bad. This experience taught me to take responsibility and control for my life in all areas.

Getting married and having children matured me and showed me that there is more important things in life then stirring up drama, shopping, and being careless.

Working three jobs, being mom and having a bun in the oven all at once taught me how to organize, manage and balance.

But still, I am ordinary. I am not the first to do this.

 

One day, I became very overwhelmed and I broke down. So, I decided that in order to not be overwhelmed, I will add to my plate and write a book. Again, somehow this made sense to me at that time in my life.

I began writing a book. And with limited money, I copy and pasted the contents from a Word Document into a self-publish and uploaded to Amazon.

I threw a bullet into the world and wanted to see if anyone could hear it; preferably, ordinary people like me. I wasn’t trying to make money off this book; I genuinely wanted to help women who were overwhelmed. Us ordinary people need to stick together.

Then, the book started to do better than I thought.

One day I decided to push my “luck” (it wasn’t actually luck, I worked my ass off for all this) and reach out to a PR company for help promoting the book so that women all over could learn to balance better. I felt like I had a key to help empower women, and I wanted to share this concept so badly! The PR company told me I was a “Nobody” and that I would do them no good being a client of theirs and that they would not take me on.

Apparently, I had misunderstood what a PR company does. After a good long cry, and a few days later, I decided to call one more PR company for help. Before asking for help, I made it clear, from off the bat, that I was a “Nobody” and would be delighted if they took me on as a client. To my surprise they took me on as a client. I shouldn’t have been surprised, after all, I was paying them, but, nevertheless, I felt famous for 2 seconds.

Although this is a running joke now between the second PR company and myself, looking back they must have thought I was very bizarre by introducing myself as a Nobody before even telling them about what I was really trying to do. I can’t believe I let someone I didn’t know define me so quickly and that I actually accepted their “Nobody” title as a bad thing.

I started a book campaign through the PR company.  Thinking I would have to wait months for some far off blog site to take interest in my work, it was only days before Glamour, Cosmopolitan, Prevention and Maria Shriver reached out for me to write or them (among many others).

I was ordinary; this doesn’t happen to Nobody’s. And then I thought, yes it does, because it happened to me, an Ordinary Nobody.

After a great run with my PR company, EMSI, I took a break for a moment to have editors review my book and make it less “Word Document” and more “Barnes and Noble” looking. I was taking another small baby step. One I thought would lead to a dead end.

While waiting on book revisions, I got an email from the director of the Women’s division at Forbes to write for them. I actually researched the email because I knew that this was a scam. Forbes doesn’t want ordinary people. 

I was ordinary; this doesn’t happen to Nobody’s. And then I thought, yes it does, because it happened to me, an Ordinary Nobody.

 

Then, I got a call from the Chicago Tribune, my hometown, to do a piece with them on self-talk. They were also interviewing a neurologist for the same piece. A neurologist, The Chicago Tribune and Me? The Chicago Tribune does not want ordinary people.

I was ordinary; this doesn’t happen to Nobody’s. And then I thought, yes it does, because it happened to me, an Ordinary Nobody.

Each step, slow and steady I was getting my word out. I was helping others and growing myself. I was challenging my self-doubt and steadily increasing confidence in myself. These little steps, after a while, actually move me forward.

I used to compare who I was to others and instead of taking baby steps in my own direction to get somewhere, I invested all my energy into someone else’s journey or whining about not having a great journey like everyone else. But everyone else was ordinary, too. I was mistaken all along. They were all taking baby steps and doing Nobody things- which are actually Great things.

Often, all we see is the end of someone’s journey, or only their successes, we don’t see all their baby steps. This is why our path doesn’t always work out, because it is not our path or it is based on a false reality of what we think we see. Start shifting your energy into your journey only.

So, as the calls came in for articles, speaking engagements, TV and everything else a Nobody dreams of, this time, I noticed that I was focused on my path. My path is created by a bunch of baby steps that are created by me, for me.

Currently, when I go to make a forward move in life,  I look only at my path, and guess what? That’s exactly what I end up doing, moving forward.

On this ordinary journey, I am becoming my own somebody.

Over the past few months my book has been updated and is getting ready for a major debut. It was in Germany last week at The Frankfurt Book Fair- the world's largest trade fair for books. Today I got word that my book received the most requests to review books from foreign publishers. I couldn’t believe it.

I was ordinary; this doesn’t happen to Nobody’s. And then I thought, yes it does, because it happened to me, an Ordinary Nobody.

 

 

The point of today’s post is for you to start focusing only on your path. Your ordinary journey could become the most extraordinary thing for you. Don’t compare yourself to others because you will never fully appreciate your journey and become a “somebody” to you.

Am I Brangelina now? No, not even close. Can I suddenly buy that $4 million beach home? No, not even close. In fact, I am still paying on those damn student loans.

But, I am finally a Somebody, to me. I love every day I wake up and I can’t wait for the next. I focus on my path, and because of that, I have created my own joy and happiness. 

Baby steps get you somewhere. Every single step counts.

Cheers to the baby steps we take this afternoon, and the one tomorrow and the one later that day, and so on. Each of them counts.

Jaime

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

HOW TO VERBALLY WEAKEN YOURSELF

HOW TO VERBALLY WEAKEN YOURSELF

 

The power of language. Do we really understand how powerful words are? You can change realities with words, for the better or the worse. You can change your perceptions or that of those around you. The best thing about language is that if you feel that you have no power or control in your life, you’re wrong. You have the power of language, and if used correctly, you can get a lot of what you want in this life.

The catch is, if you can use words to be kind, sell yourself or become successful, you can also use words to hurt others and yourself. The focus today is on how spoken words can hurt you. Your language can weaken you. It can show your fears, lack of confidence or make you a victim unnecessarily. Here are a few tips on how to avoid weakening yourself, credibility and success through language:

 

1.  By starting out sentences with “I think” and “I feel” you instantly take away credibility from what you are saying. You have turned what you know into an opinion. This can minimize your credibility. In business, often leading comments with feelings can weaken your position. This is because you are putting the focus onto you and your feelings/emotions, when the focus should be on the point that you are trying to make.

Don’t say: “I think we need to start looking into that.”

Do say: “Let’s look into that.”

Don’t say: “I feel that is best check into group rates.”

Do say: “I (or the team) will begin checking into group rates.”

 

2. You also can weaken yourself by making other people seem better than you. As you make others around you seem to have more credibility or experience, you not only lose authority (even if you only have a little) in the eyes of others, but you also convince yourself of this, too. Here is where your language can begin to diminish your confidence.

Don’t say: “I know you have much more experience in this area, but I read some of the documents and we could submit to XYZ”

Do say: “After reviewing the documents I noticed that we could submit to XYZ.”

 

 

 

3. You can also weaken your credibility through language by defending what you have worked for. If someone admires or comments on the work you have done, thank them instead of letting them know how hard you have worked. If you have Ph.D, if you completed research, if you wrote a book, if you received a promotion, people already know that you worked for it. You don’t have to remind them. Just thank them.

 

Don’t say--In reply to ‘Wow you really have a lot of credential behind your name’: “I worked really hard to get where I am.”

Do say--In reply to ‘Wow you really have a lot of credential behind your name’: “Thank you.”

 

4. Language can weaken you if you apologize all time. By always being sorry for things, you are taking blame for a lot of faults that happen during the day, even ones that you have nothing to do with. With one (Sorry) or two (I’m sorry) little words you can literally make yourself a victim. Being a victim minimizes your authority, power and control in situations; characteristics that might be seen in a leader or confident individual.

Don’t say:

Boss to You about another co-worker:  “Jeannie did not send out the file again.”

You to Boss: “I’m sorry.”

Do say:

Boss to you about another co-worker:  “Jeannie did not send out the file again.”

You to boss: “I will shoot her over and email and remind her.”

 

 

This week your challenge is to identify one area in your life in which you use language that can weaken you. Then, implement a new way to use language to convey your strengths.

 

 Dr. Jaime Kulaga is the author of Type "Superwoman: Finding the LIFE in Work-Life Balance - A Self-Searching Book for Women". She is the inspirational founder of the nationally known SuperWoman Workshops. Dr. Kulaga has been featured in Forbes, The Chicago Tribune, Glamour, Self and Prevention magazines as well as the national show Daytime for her expertise in Work-Life Balance.http://www.mindfulrehab.com

 

  

Self-Imposed Limitations and Success

Self-Imposed Limitations and Success

 

You have worked really hard to maintain a positive and upbeat attitude, even in the tough times. You are doing well and even believe that you are successful. But, despite how hard you try and how optimistic you are, you can’t seem to get over a hurdle to make it to the “next level.” Every time you feel that something big is about to break and you genuinely believe that something great is about to happen, things stay the same.  Why?

Time to pull your mind over to the side of the road as you have hit a SIL checkpoint; or as I like to call it, a Self-Imposed Limitations checkpoint. As you complete this self-reflection, I want you to think about limitations that you have created for yourself. Maybe someone said something to you that is holding you back from moving forward. For example, “Most women just really aren’t that good at the finance side of Business, so don’t worry about it.”  Or, maybe you have a faulty assumption about yourself that is holding you back. For example, “I came from nothing, so there is a good chance I won’t ‘really’ make it.”

 

Well, I am here to tell you that you are under arrest! Whether you think you can’t move forward or you have accepted someone else’s assumption that your can’t move forward, ultimately you are holding you back, and that is a crime.

When you feel that something big is about to break for you, and then it doesn’t, you have held yourself back in some capacity. Just because you think positive doesn’t mean you will keep moving up. In addition to having a great attitude, you have to use critical thinking to get around self-imposed limitations and you have to have the confidence to break through that barrier.

If you ever hear yourself saying, that you should never try something again that you once failed at, you have set a self-imposed limitation. If you ever hear yourself saying, “no one I know has ever been able to do that” you have set a limitation for yourself.

This type of thinking sets a limitation to your mind. Your mind now knows that there is a cap to your potential and it is not going to try to move further. Your mind says, “If it can’t be done, I am not going to exhaust the body’s energy to just ‘try’ something that can’t happen.” Once you rip away the self-imposed limitations, you can go as high as you think you can, but then keep going.

 

This week your challenge is to identify 1 self-imposed limitation and find a way to break through it and make one step toward the next level up.

 

 

 Dr. Jaime Kulaga is the author of Type "Superwoman: Finding the LIFE in Work-Life Balance - A Self-Searching Book for Women". She is the inspirational founder of the nationally known SuperWoman Workshops. Dr. Kulaga has been featured in Forbes, Chicago Tribune, Glamour, Self and Prevention magazines as well as the national show Daytime for her expertise in Work-Life Balance.
http://www.mindfulrehab.com