3 Ways to Rid
of Toxic People in 2016
Have you ever felt like someone “got over on you?” Is there a
person who mistakes your kindness for you being a doormat? Do you have someone
in your life that “uses” you, takes advantage of you or plants seeds of doubt
in your mind? That’s a toxic person.
Some of the biggest
stressors we have in life come from toxic people. If you want to reduce stress
in your life, if you want to
actually obtain those dreams of yours, then
rid of the toxic people.
If you have all these
fabulous goals for 2016, but you have negative people surrounding you, don’t
kid yourself about success. The truth is, negative people take you down. They
are contagious and infectious and they will do all they can to suck your energy
dry and instill self-doubt. As your confidence drops, they gain more of an
upper hand and slowly take control from you.
The reality is, you can
take control back and set yourself up for success. It might not be easy, it might
not be fun at first, in fact, ridding of toxic people sometimes might be one of
the most painful experiences for you, but it is necessary if you want to
achieve your goals and live a more positive and fulfilling life.
Here are 3 ways to rid of the toxic people in your life:
1. First, you have to reflect on who actually is sucking your
energy dry or making you feel defeated. Pull out the old journal and
write down all the people that you deem as toxic in your life. For a jump start
as to what these people may look like, they are typically the people take you
up and down (I love you, I hate you, I really love you, I really hate you), the
whiners, the takers, the down-right mean people, the users, the bull-shitters,
the gossipers, and the passive aggressives.
Once you have created this list, circle the
ones you know you can get rid of completely and erase them like you hit the
delete button on your computer. Cut them off. No more answering calls, no more
social media, just get rid of the crap they put you through.
2. Okay, so now
you still have this list with a few names on it of people you can’t just simply
cut out of your life altogether. Maybe it’s not realistic, not practical, or
you really just don’t want to cut them off. I get it. Often the most people
toxic people in our lives we can’t or don’t want to rid of. But that’s alright.
Instead, we take control back by setting stronger boundaries.
Warning: As you set
boundaries people are going to react to you differently and sometimes negatively;
especially if they expect a certain behavior or action from you and you no
longer solicit that. I always tell clients, the best way to change another
person is to change yourself. You can’t change other people, but your change in
reaction will alter them and their actions.
Here is what
setting boundaries might look like:
·
Say no more frequently to requests from toxic
people that hinder your day or hurt your progress. You don’t always have to say
yes. You may be the official go-to person, but that stops today as you make a commitment
to yourself that you are taking control over your life. When you say no, the
payoff is in the end when you don’t have so much responsibility. Saying no
shows confidence and self-control. However, if you want to engage in the
request someone asked you to take on, but right now is not the time you can do
it, speak up and say that. If that’s not good enough for them, then walk away.
Clearly they are toxic.
·
Don’t be the initiator of conversation. If
you don’t have to communicate with the person, don’t. But, this goes both ways.
You can’t be dependent all the time either. You can’t just reach out to the
toxic person when you need something. This will really blur a boundary that you
put into place. Example: If you are working to rid of an ex and now you need
their help because your car broke down, think twice before asking them for a
ride. Find an alternative. And there are alternatives. Begin taking control
back by acknowledging that you have options and alternatives.
·
Along the same lines, you don’t have to
answer their call or email right away. You don’t have to jump for this person
anymore. If you get a call, a text or an email, I encourage you to RRR or Retreat (walk away from the situation),
Rethink (analyze what the deal is)
and then React (now you act). Give
yourself time to process the request and how this will wrap you up in toxicity
if you respond, react impulsively or give in. Often toxic people suck us in
because they back us into a corner and force an impulsive response out of us. This
is how they gain control. No longer will that happen when you give yourself
time to retreat and rethink BEFORE you
react.
3. Don’t internalize their hate, negativity or
meanness. If you have identified this person as toxic, and you even set boundaries
with them, but you allow them to take up your mind, they are still in your
life.
Ruminating and dwelling on negative people
for any reason still brews up the poison in you and toxifies you. So many times
we replay events and take their negativity to heart. But before you let them
invade you and bring your confidence down, look at the source. Is this person
credible, worthy of hurting you, do you really think that they have your best
interest in mind? If not, let their meanness go.
Work to be aware of how much “mind time” you
are giving this toxic person. The more awareness you have of the time they are
using in your mind, the more likely you are to catch yourself in the act of ruminating
and then, be able to cut it. They is no real quick fix to give about cutting
negative thoughts, expect retrain your brain. You didn’t always think about
this toxic person, you trained your mind and created a habit of this. It took
time. Now, today, we begin to retrain your mind. Try redirecting these negative
thoughts back to goodness. How are you better off without this person or
toxicity in your life? Begin thinking about your weekend, good times with good
friends, your desire to reach your 2016 goals, etc. Just get your mind away
from negativity.
You may have to really work at this tip. The
mind is powerful and easily can fall back into a habitual way of thinking as
you go about your day on auto-pilot, but the mind is powerful both ways. If you
want it to think or behave differently with effort and repetition your mind will
create a new habit.
Some people say you are what you eat. I say, you are who you
associate with. People are typically a combination of the top three to five
people they associate with most. Take a moment to reflect on the people you
spend most of your time with and reflect on whether or not these people are in
line with your goals and direction. The New Year is moments away and you have
the power and control to take your life back. Toxic people will waste your
energy in 2016 and many of them will steer you off track of your goals at some
point soon. And if they don’t steer you off track they will make your journey
toward your goals tougher and more draining.
Today I challenge you to select the most toxic person off your
list and begin taking control back.
Dr. Jaime Kulaga understands the complexities of women’s lives and helps to increase their self-awareness and self-esteem. She is the advocate of the under-appreciated, over-worked and un-fulfilled woman, dedicated to greatly improving and creating a gratifying, enjoyable life... rather than an unfulfilling existence. As the Author and Founder of the SuperWoman’s Guide to Fulfillment, Dr. Jaime has taught and worked with hundreds of women empowering them to discover their own greatness, and in turn, create a loving and gratifying environment for all those in their lives.
Through teaching at the University level, coaching and counseling individuals, couples, and businesses, she educates women, men and families to make better lifestyle decisions, steer the course of their lives, and use practical tools for deeper fulfillment and happiness.Dr. Jaime is a frequent mental health expert on TV and radio and has been featured on Forbes.com, on Maria Shriver's blog, and in Glamour, Self, and Prevention magazines for her expertise in work-life balance and life fulfillment.
