Dr. Kulaga's Blog

Monday, March 30, 2015

Why your Limitations Really Hold you Back

Why your Limitations Really Hold you Back

Sometimes, as life passes us by, we reflect on where we are and think about how we wish things were different. It is not only life that we wish was different, but our self too. Maybe there are certain physical or mental aspects about you that hold you back. Some people have lost limbs (physical) where others battle Bi-Polar disorder, low self-esteem, or ADHD (mental).

But dwelling on all your limitations will prove to the world and yourself, that they are in fact limitations. You will quickly find yourself in a very negative cycle. In fact, this negative cycle of thought not only reduces your self-confidence, but also the confidence that other people have in you. Take a moment to think about being in a job interview. Would you sit there and spend your 45 minutes of interview time letting the interviewer know all of your limitations? Why not? Answer this yourself. If your answer was something along the lines of “because they wouldn’t give me the job,” then you get why you can’t focus on your limitations when going about your day to day life. Forty five minutes of dwelling on your limitations could really hinder you from having the life you wished for.

On another note, some people dwell on their limitations and share them with the world because they don’t want others to hold them so accountable or don’t want others to expect too much from them in case they can’t come through. This lack of confidence is hindering a life of happiness. Instead of people expecting a lot from them, people pity them. And, while being pitied here and there might feel good, being pitied all the time just confirms to our mind that even others agree that our limitations hold us back.

As we focus on what we don’t have the ability to do we unconsciously create a self-fulfilling prophecy regarding how our limitations deter us from moving forward. And, consequently we don’t live the life we wish we had. The reality is, there are millions of people with mental and physical illnesses or pains living every day as if it were their dream. They are achieving goals and climbing mountains. Instead of dwelling on your limitations, you must accept them and create a “work around.” Just as you find ways to work around other barriers that rise up in life, you must create one for what you perceive are your limitations, too.

This week’s goal: Begin switching focus on what you do have to work with in life as opposed to what you don’t have and begin your “work around” for your limitation in order to live the life you wish for.

Dr. Jaime Kulaga is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Motivational Speaker. She is the author of "The SuperWoman's Guide to Super Fulfillment: Step-by-Step Strategies to Create Work-Life Balance." She is the inspirational founder of the nationally known SuperWoman Workshops. Dr. Kulaga has been featured internationally for her expertise in Work-Life Balance. http://www.mindfulrehab.com

Monday, March 16, 2015

Creating a Remix: Spicing Up Life When Life Gets Boring

“The grass isn’t greener on the other side. It’s greener where you water it.” -Unknown

“It is often possible to get greater enjoyment from what we are already doing, rather than try to find something else.” –L. Don Siebet

“The Foolish man seeks happiness in the distance, the wise grows it under his feet.” –James Oppenheim

You may have heard a couple of these quotes before. The reality is, many times we get tired of what we are currently doing in life and then we halt all operations to go find something new. And halting doesn’t always mean we halt the physical aspect, but it could mean we halt the mental aspect. Meaning, we just shut down mentally and avoid, be mean or negative toward the current relationship or task. We cease using positive energy toward developing the old.

New means passion and excitement. That sounds very fulfilling and fun. But, don’t new things get old at some point? Don’t new things eventually get boring? Think about a new hit on the radio that you love. You play it 100 times over on full blast and swear that you could never get sick of this one. This song has a great beat and you can relate to every single word this singer is saying. But, after the 200^th play, you find that you are quite sick of the song. How could that be? You absolutely loved this one! Then, one day, as you are scanning the radio stations in traffic you hear that song. Your beat just got a remix and it is mixed with an old song from “back in the day” when you were growing up! This once boring song with a little remix was all you needed to be re-sparked before you found yourself singing at the top of your lungs in the car again.

Often, most everything that we want is right in front of us. It doesn’t take an all-out manhunt of finding someone or something new to find happiness. Happiness is often about rekindling the passion and spark with what you do have. So, go ahead, create that funky remix.

Here is an example of adding in a remix at work. In the work force you may find that you are sick of your job. And while there are many reasons that it is a good idea to look for other work, there are also many reasons why you should or could stay and be happy doing it. Try taking on a new project on a topic that interests you, apply for an advancement or take on tasks that would align you with that advancement, get involved in work functions, and talk to more positive people at work.

Sometimes, relationships with partners get boring. We all go through a phase in life where we feel the spice is gone or the passion is drifting away. Instead of putting in energy walking away from this person, use your energy to add excitement. Talk together about the past and what added life to your relationship or look into each other’s bucket lists and start knocking off some goals together. Listen to each other. A great book on rekindling lost passion comes from Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages.

Whatever it is in life that you have, before you walk away from it and expend your energy on finding something new, first channel all that energy, positivity and time into what you currently have. Being at a job for 5 years and choosing to put positive energy into it before leaving might yield passion, advancement and a greater sense of self-esteem and confidence. These are the factors that lead to happiness.

Remember, if you are off to find something new, it will at one point get old, and you will have to put just as much time and energy into that relationship, job or thing that you are being requested to do now. Relationships can get boring, work can get boring, and songs on the radio can get boring. Instead of walking away from your favorite person, career or song, create a remix.

This week’s goal: Find ways to add in a little mix to the areas within your life that you feel passion or excitement is slipping away from.

Monday, March 9, 2015

Being Alone Versus Loneliness

When we are alone we may be perceived by others or ourselves as being depressed or uninteresting, we might simply just get bored, we may fear that we will somehow live a life of loneliness or we may discover some truths about ourselves that can be scary or hurtful. Initially, the sound of being “lonely” can be frightening. But just as in any situation, being lonely is a perception. The primary difference between being alone and being lonely is your attitude toward yourself.

Being alone is not bad, in fact it is a time to meditate, discover yourself and goals, and earn some self-respect. In this world of chaos and distractions we have got into a habit of not stopping, being busy and surrounding ourselves with things that are loud, disturbing and continuous. Being alone in the silence of your own home, going to a quiet safe space or simply laying in a hammock feeling the sun on your skin is actually one of the healthiest moments you can have with yourself. When you are alone with yourself, you have been given an opportunity to focus on you and to talk nicely to yourself. Take time to reflect on your successes, your positive choices and all you are grateful for. In a moment of being alone you have an opportunity to treat yourself with respect, slow down, and shape your future.

If you choose to take your time alone as an opportunity to feel lonely then you can expect to feel that way and to fear all the things that come along with that perception: lots if comparing, trying to keep up with the Jones’, feelings of emptiness, etc. ; all factors that play a role in decreased self-esteem and confidence. Your perception of the time you spend with yourself has a strong influence on how you will treat yourself when you do go back into the world of chaos and distractions. And, the way you treat yourself when you are both alone and in the day to day routine influences how other people will treat you in most capacities to begin with. Our respect from others truly does start with the way that we treat ourselves, specifically the way we treat ourselves in the moments alone when we are not putting on a front for the world.

Remember, your perception of what occurs when you are alone with yourself is your choice and ultimately influences your self-esteem and level of respect your give yourself and that is given to you.

Monday, March 2, 2015

How Annoying People Can Help You Grow

Some people are so annoying. You know those people who talk all the time? Or, the people who brag about their lives? Who really cares?! Actually, you should care. The reality is, if someone annoys you, there is an opportunity for you to discover more about yourself. As you learn about yourself, and find areas for development, you will notice your self-esteem rising.

On the outside, it appears that the woman in the office who talks about her family, job and home all the time is doing nothing but bragging. But take time to see exactly why her stories irritate you. Perhaps, you feel that you should be married by now, you should have received that promotion last year, or that you wish you could save better to get that dream home you want.

The initial perception is that she is bragging but perhaps more of a reality is that she highlights a fault or a limitation within you- and quite frankly, that irks you. Instead of taking the situation at face value and just coming to the conclusion that she is bragging, reflect inward and see exactly why she annoys you and see if this is an opportunity for you to work on an area within your life. Focusing on our personal limitations and faults is not easy to think about, let alone explore and work on.

Maybe the bragger in the office is a bit annoying, but at the same time, maybe you are able to notice that you do have a problem with spending money and not saving. Use this awareness as a way to design a plan of action for you to begin saving. As you save, you will boost your self-esteem and confidence in yourself and soon have a home of your own to “brag” about

This week’s challenge: As things or people irritate you, reflect inward and try to find out an underlying reason as to why you are annoyed. If you are open to discovering why you are irritated, work to see if the reason is an opportunity for you to work on a particular area within your life.

Monday, February 23, 2015

On Mondays, Energize and Euthanize

On Mondays, Energize and Euthanize

Sometimes the rough days are really rough. What makes things tougher is when your week starts off on the wrong foot. Mondays have always been known as a tough day because Mondays, at times, have the ability to make or break your week. We shouldn’t let this be the case, but Monday does set the tone for the week. We need to make sure then that we are mentally and physically prepared for Mondays, and that we use our ability to change perceptions if need be. In other words, if Monday morning serves us a nasty looking menu, we can’t let it give us food poisoning for the next five days.

At a meeting a few weeks back General Horst was speaking on the importance of energizing and euthanizing certain aspects to your business, and I began to implement this theory into other parts of life. So, if your Monday has stepped off on the wrong foot this week, I challenge you to do two things, energize and euthanize. Your goal here is to energize yourself and the little itty-bits of happy thoughts you might have on this tough morning. Then, euthanize the all or nothing and negative types of thinking.

Energize:

In order to energize yourself, focus on shifting your negative mindset to a healthier one. Know that a bad attitude can last 5 days and there is no reason that your tomorrow should suffer for the works of today. Focus on what is going right and how things could be worse. I know at times it can be hard to see that anything is going right, especially on a rough morning, but think about even the smallest of things and start energizing those thoughts. You can also focus on your goals for the week and what you originally wanted to accomplish. Know that you still have the rest of Monday and the entire to week to get yourself in line and headed toward that goal. It is not too late to have a great week. Also, today, more than ever, stay focused so that you feel accomplished. This will give you a boost of confidence. And, stay away from toxic or negative people who will spiral your Monday down even more. Last, eat. Be sure to eat healthy foods today as greasy or processed foods can also play a major role in spiraling your mood down or making you extra sleepy.

Euthanize:

First and foremost rid of your stubbornness. When a few bad things happen on Monday morning, it really has a way of putting us into the stubborn zone that we can’t get out of. We want to repeat the events and ruminate about what is wrong and why it went wrong. This ruminating and repeating of events is only hurting us and is going to ruin the remainder of the day and possibly the week. Step out of the stubborn zone and be open to energizing yourself.

Also, work to euthanize the all or nothing thinking. You may be thinking that the entire week is going to be rough now that XYZ happened or that you just won’t be able to get back on track at all now, but know that this is not the case. By changing your mind and euthanizing bad thoughts you will get your week on track and maybe double the good you initially projected for.

Further, it is important to get rid of your negative thoughts and rumination because you are going to bring others around you down, and that isn’t fair. Why should those you love suffer because you aren’t willing to get out of this rut? Your brain also likes to be right, so if you try and hunt down reasons why you are going to have a bad week, then you are going to find those reasons. So, be sure to euthanize the negative thinking, negative self-talk, and the hunt for all things bad.

The difference between those who do really well in this world and those who struggle is that those who do well know that they will hit rough patches, and often on Mondays, but accept it and create a plan to work through it. Those who have it rough dwell on the negative events and let it ruin their weeks. This week’s challenge: if you are off to a rough Monday, change the course of your week through energizing or euthanizing.

Monday, February 16, 2015

Relationships are Rewards Not Solutions

Relationships are Rewards Not Solutions

Often when we are in a rut or feeling blue, we firmly believe that the solution to most of our problems is a good relationship with someone. This person would love us, care for us, and share happy moments with us. As wonderful as all of this sounds, a relationship with someone is not going to take away your problems or negative feelings, only you can do that. And, if you depend on someone to take away your problems for you, the relationship isn’t going to have a strong foundation and you might quickly find yourself alone once more. As a consequence you may find yourself internalizing these losses as something that is wrong with you, spiraling down your self-confidence and self-esteem.

Instead, stop giving others so much control to make you feel better and reassume that control yourself. So many individuals come to my office with the goal of meeting a partner and soon realize that the strategy has nothing to do with finding a mate. Rather we focus on getting their minds and bodies right and soon thereafter somehow, someway they find themselves having met someone.

The reward for getting your mind and body right is a relationship, the relationship is not the solution. When you find that your anger, resentment, depression and low self-esteem have gone away, you emit a different light, you hold yourself a bit more confidently, and consequently you attract new people and new opportunities that will fulfill your life for the right reasons.

Monday, February 9, 2015

This is Your Brain, This is Your Brain on AutoPilot

Our brain takes on a lot of different situations, tasks and information each and every day. In order to take in some new information that might take some skill to learn, our mind allows us to use autopilot for tasks that are more of a habit or that we are very familiar with. According to Keeley (1994), when we first take in information our brain processes it under the novel circuit. Once we grasp the concept, our brain hands the information over to a second circuit that manages learned tasks. When a tasks is learned it requires less attention and activity than previous. This allows our brain to free up space for new incoming content.

Have you ever showered, and did not think about showering. You were showering and thinking about your plan for the day, the past weekend, or anything else but showering. Then you get step out of the bath and realize you completely showered with barely any focus on it at all. Your brain switched to auto pilot. Here is another example of when your brain use auto pilot. Lets say you drive the same way to work each day. You come off street X and turn to street Y, never taking street Z. But, you now have plans to attend a speaking engagement and you know that you must take street Z to arrive there. As you drive you will have to stay very aware that you do not continue on street Y and that you force yourself to turn on street Z. When your mind goes on autopilot it will do what it always does and if you need to interrupt the typical flow, you will have to work to take yourself off autopilot.

Your brain works to save energy for you and helps you to take in new information by using its autopilot. However, it is also important when doing the same day in and day out tasks that you be sure that your brain allows you to enjoy moments, be present with family, and observe all that you have to be grateful for each day. Often we get caught up in the autopilot of life, and when sitting at dinner with the family, we are silently recapping the day or planning the next, not hearing what our child is saying at the table or your spouse mentioned about his/her day.

This week, as your brain automatically switches itself to autopilot, make sure that you have some control over its choices and decisions by being present when it matters most.

Dr. Jaime Kulaga is a Certified Life Coach, Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Motivational Speaker. She is the author of the upcoming book "The SuperWoman's Guide to Super Fulfillment: Step-by-Step Strategies to Create Work-Life Balance," to be published in March 2015. She is the inspirational founder of the nationally known SuperWoman Workshops. Dr. Kulaga has been featured internationally for her expertise in Work-Life Balance. http://www.mindfulrehab.com