Dr. Kulaga's Blog

Monday, September 29, 2014

When Life Gets Boring, Go on an Adventure

Life can get boring. The day in and day out routine can be tedious or cyclical. Occasionally we travel or engage in something fun locally, but for the most part, there is a perpetual routine that we embark on each day. Even routines that we love and enjoy can sometimes get boring. So, what is a person to do when they find boredom in the day to day life?

If you want to add a little spice in your life, pick the weakest spot within yourself and begin a journey toward improvement. Self-discovery is an adventure of a lifetime. For those of you that think self-discovery is boring, you are the one who needs this adventure most of all.

If you can identify something that you are not good at or need significant improvement on, and then you begin to research, practice and find new opportunities within this realm of life, you are going to see, act and believe in different ways. This “newness” will spark passion, interest and a different perspective; all things that make life more adventurous, spontaneous and exciting.

Overall life fulfillment comes from self-reflection. This is because as you complete a self-reflection you will find that you are more connected to others and your core values. You will begin to live more authentically.

In order to find the real you and make life more meaningful however, you will need to discover parts of you that you don’t yet fully understand, are scared of, or, that you have put on hold. As these areas of your life are activated, your adventure begins.

Packing Tips for Your Adventure:

1. Don’t forget your open mind.

2. Don’t forget that when traveling, things don’t always go as planned, but that doesn’t mean you pack up and go home.

3. Don’t forget your ability to be open to new experiences and trying new things.

4. Leave the “shyness” at home.

5. Grab extra confidence.

6. Leave fear at home.

7. Don’t invite the toxic people in your life so that you have “time” to enjoy your adventure.

Dr. Jaime Kulaga is the author of Type "Superwoman: Finding the LIFE in Work-Life Balance - A Self-Searching Book for Women". She is the inspirational founder of the nationally known SuperWoman Workshops. Dr. Kulaga has been featured in Forbes, Glamour, Self and Prevention magazines as well as the national show Daytime for her expertise in Work-Life Balance.
http://www.mindfulrehab.com

Monday, September 22, 2014

5 Reasons Why Saying "No," Works.

5 Reasons Why Saying "No," Works

It isn’t always easy to say “No.” Whether fear, guilt, or any other reason stops us, the reality is, the word “Yes” has this great way of flying out of our trap with little thought behind it. Although we see women as harboring guilt and fears about saying “No,” the truth is, both men and women struggle to use this simple, but powerful, 2 letter word.

Here are 5 reasons why saying “No,” works:

1. You get to focus on your current goals.

By saying “No” to additional roles and tasks you allow yourself to focus on your current goals. Often, small tasks, given to us by “Big” people, quickly turn into barriers toward our current goals and consequently hinder our progress. For example, if a boss offers you a project to take on and it does not offer much incentive for your position or could hinder your progress toward other goals that he/she previously created with you, you might want to decline the offer.

Instead of telling a boss “No, I can’t do this, I don’t have time,” turn this moment into an opportunity for you. Schedule a meeting with your boss and bring to their awareness what goals you are already striving toward. During this meeting show them your current progress, how far you have come and the importance of successfully completing the goals already in progress.

Having too many goals and minimal attention provided to each, you will find increase stress, less confidence and could quickly burnout. As you complete your goals already in progress, you are going to feel more empowered, self-confidence and excited for the next challenge.

Saying “No” works because you can focus on your current goals.

2. You maintain your credibility.

By taking on an opportunity that you don’t have time for, you risk underperforming, thus hurting your reputation and credibility with a superior, friend or loved one. You want to make sure that if you choose to take on a task you are committed to excellence, whether it is in business or your personal life. If you can’t commit to a top performance, saying “Yes” will come around to hurt you in the end. Worse, sometimes saying “yes” hurts what you have worked months or years for, like trust or status. Saying “yes” not only jeopardizes your current goal progress, but also, if you perform poor on the new task you could be seen as not competent in a certain area.

What can really hurt our credibility is when we say “yes” to a task, and then back out later. You may get to a point in a project where it becomes too much work and you can’t balance. When you say “yes” to something, people are putting their trust in you. In this case, if you pull out of the task, people may not see you as trustworthy and thus you lose credibility. You may also risk losing future opportunities they could offer you.

Saying “No” works because you maintain your credibility.

3. You free up time for bigger opportunities.

Often people say “Yes” to taking on extra tasks because they think they will not be offered more opportunities in the future. If you politely and respectfully decline opportunities, those same people, in the future, will offer you another opportunity. People like people that they can trust and believe are honest about their commitments. Also, as you use your time to complete current goals, you will find upon completion the next door opens. This door will offer more opportunities and potentially even some more rewarding ones.

If you truly fear saying “No” because of the potential loss of opportunity, then instead of putting opportunity off on others, start creating it yourself. If you want more opportunities go find them. You will find them all around you. You can’t simply say, “I wish I had more opportunity” and then sit there and complain that you don’t.

You have to diligently work to make your mind see more opportunities than problems in your life. Look at everything in your life as having the potential to move you forward. Think about the situation above regarding the employee who did not want to take on another task. She/He could have complained but instead saw this as an opportunity to show their current goals and successes.

Saying “No” works because you free up time for bigger opportunities.

4. Saying “No” shows self-discipline.

As we say “No” to taking on tasks that we can’t or shouldn’t add to our plate, we are disciplining ourselves. Saying “No” teaches us to avoid impulsivity in decision making and also to put our priorities in place. As we say “No,” we are teaching our minds to think before we act. If we think getting in over our heads with multiple tasks and projects can be overwhelming, think about how saying “yes” to major purchases or life changing events could harmful to your mental, physical and life state, even more so. Discipline yourself by making a habit of thinking before you say “Yes.”

Saying “No” works because it shows self-discipline.

5. Saying “No” conveys the ability to set boundaries.

As you say “No,” you are also setting boundaries with people who think they can walk all over you, take from you, or mistake your kindness for you being a doormat. By freeing yourself from taking on everyone else’s tasks, you are allowing yourself to advance your life and/or family. You will also find more overall life fulfillment when you are pursuing and focusing on your personal goals and desires.

Saying “No” works because it conveys the ability to set boundaries.

Monday, September 15, 2014

MARRIAGE, INCOME OR PARENTING- WHICH REALLY INFLUENCES A SUCCESSFUL CHILD?

Research has shown that children who are raised by married parents, especially those parents who stay married, tend to do better in almost all aspects to life. The problem is, the US family is currently much different than what it used to be. Being raised by a family other than the traditional two-parent is no longer out of the norm.

With this in mind, it is important to make sure that it is actually marriage that determines a child’s success, as opposed to other factors that might influence marriage, like more time for parenting, income from two parents, etc.

The Brookings Institute (2014) conducted research on this very issue. The research suggested that marriage is the means in which higher incomes can be raised and by which parenting can be improved. If marriage is the means, the reality is that it is not the sole reason that children raised by parents who are married do well in life.

The focus then needs to shift on policy makers to help increase incomes of single families and increase attention on improving parenting. Also, this allows single parents to take more responsibility and control over how they raise their child. If a single parent was doomed from the start because he/she was not married, the control over his/her ability to raise successful children would be out of her/his hands. But, when marriage is a means or booster to factors, like income and parenting, than more control lies with a single parent.

So, while policy makers take their time doing what they do, what can you do as a single parent to help increase your child’s success? Here are a few tips to get you going:

1. Spend more time with your children. If you work all day and can’t find time, start including them in the day to day, after school routine. It might take an extra 15 minutes to make dinner, but instead of rushing through dinner and making it alone, let your child help you. Try to reflect on all the activities you do without your child, and see which ones you can have them included in more frequently (gym, cooking, cleaning, shopping, mailing out letters, etc.)

2. Don’t be afraid to speak up. At work, if you think you earned a promotion or raise, ask for a meeting with your boss to discuss this. Don’t talk about why you “need” the raise, rather what you have done for the company to deserve it.

3. If you are skipped over for a raise at work, and you feel it was deserved, update your resume and apply to jobs that are one step above what you do now. Be confident.

4. Research shows that economic success is often determined by a child being ready for school by age five. If you have a younger child, take an extra 15 minutes each day to provide cognitive stimulation to them. This can be something as easy as showing your child how to break up a big task into smaller parts and then to work on each piece separately to get the job done. You can also teach multitasking; cleaning up the bedroom while singing songs.

5. Allow your child to feel comfortable opening up to you. In this rush-rush world, especially when you find yourself doing things alone, you don’t have time to “talk.” But, make time to talk to your child. Ask them about their day- but do so with open ended questions. Instead of asking “How was your day?” in which they usually reply, “Good,” ask them, “what was your favorite part of the day?” Then ask “what was your least favorite part of the day.” This will give you insight into any potential problems your child might be facing at school.

This week’s challenge: Whether or not you are married while raising your children, your challenge this week is to select one tip from the list of 5 above, and do one.

Monday, September 8, 2014

Episodic Memory, Semantic Memory, Oh Forget it, Just Make Mistakes!

Episodic Memory, Semantic Memory, Oh Forget it, Just Make Mistakes!

Do you fear messing something up? Sure, we all do. But this week, your goal is to take a leap into something you fear, and mess it up. You actually learn better when you mess up. Of course, you could attempt something you fear and actually achieve it on the first try, which is just another reason to attempt your goal despite the potential for making a mistake.

However, the reality is, we all know that when we try something new, we have a chance of making a mistake. When you try and retry to find a solution to your mess up, you are actually using a deeper part within your brain. Getting sort of technical here, when we think at a deeper level for more understanding, we require an activation of our semantic memory. We are forced to complete a stronger memory search resulting in greater memory recall.

Taking a step back here- we first have something called episodic memory. This is a part of our memory that involves recalling experiences and the emotions and feelings behind them. Our episodic memory was activated as we learned to ride a bike. As we practiced, and fell, and practiced again, we soon had ingrained into our mind what we learned.

At this point, our episodic memory soon felt safe enough to let go of some of the direct emotions and feelings behind the event. As the feelings went down, more solid information flowed into our semantic memory. Here is where basic knowledge is stored.

The moral of the story- the more you routinely work through your “mess ups” the more you will get comfortable with this practice and it will soon become basic knowledge to act in this manner. And, as a consequence of making mistakes and working through them, as you attack your next task, you will go head on with less anxiety, more understanding and more knowledge and overall self-awareness. Soon, making mistakes and working through them with limited fear or anxiety will become like riding a bike.

This week’s challenge: Begin to familiarize yourself with messing up and figuring out solutions to your “mess ups.” Realize that mistakes are essential for growth, success, and that often when we mess up, our priorities are put in line and our values come to fruition.

Thomas Edison- “I failed my way to success.”

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Broaden your Scope

Imagine going on vacation to Hawaii and all you get to see is the pool area. While the pool area is quite nice, there is much more to Hawaii than just the pool outside of your hotel room. Knowing that there is much more to Hawaii than the pool area, your mind opens its scope to the mountains, waterfalls and sky. You even encourage yourself to venture out to areas you can’t see from your hotel room, because you know how great things could be.

Bring your widened scope with you into your relationship this week. This week, when issues arise that put you into an angry, frustrated, sad or upset state with your partner, go beyond the scope of just trying to prove a point or win a fight. Open your lens to seeing the entire relationship. By proving your point and/or saying things you don’t mean, you are jeopardizing great things that could be in the relationship that you don’t yet see. You also need to see the entire relationship, not just your view. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes for a moment and see what they are seeing at that moment.

Opening your scope when you are upset is not an easy task, especially when you “know” you are right. But, the reality is, when your focus is prove a point, it is because you are only seeing the “pool” and not all of Hawaii.

Take a moment to retreat, rethink and react. Retreat from your position and walk away. Then, rethink about the situation and come at it from an angle you have never stood before. As you rethink, come up with different solutions to the problem- ones that are less “you” focused and more of taking the entire relationship, including the future, into consideration.

Now, React. Go back to your partner and mend the situation without anger and pointing fingers. Be sure to reflect on what you can do better, too. Also, avoid asking “why” questions to your partner. This puts them on the defense and feels like an attack. You can also talk about your feelings and how a situation made you feel- people can’t take away your feelings and how you felt in a situation. But, if you talk about your feelings, make sure that you also talk about how you think something made them feel, and consider them as you discuss emotions. Last, end the conversation with a fair and compromised solution, and then do not harp or ruminate on the situation for the rest of the week. Let it go and march forward to enjoy the rest of your relationship.

This week’s challenge: Try to broaden your scope in relationships, work or family issues this week by using some of the tips above. Then, reflect on how having a broader scope impacts outcomes in your life for the better.

Monday, August 25, 2014

How Strong Are You?

Strength gets you through life. Think about all the strength it takes to get through one day: The strength to get going. The strength to keep going. The strength to not give up. The strength it takes to walk away. The strength it takes to march on. The strength it takes to think of solutions. The strength it takes to make things you created, last. The strength it takes physically to be active during the day.

Whether strength is physical or mental, it takes strength to wake up, go to bed and everything else in between the day. Today you are going to rate some of your strengths and emotions in your life:

On a scale of 1 to 10 rate your physical strength

1 (no strength) 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 (very strong)

On a scale of 1 to 10 rate your mental strength

1 (no strength) 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 (very strong)

On a scale of 1 to 10 rate the intensity of your fears

1 (no fears) 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 (lots of fears)

On a scale of 1 to 10 rate your anxieties

1 (no anxiety) 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 (lot of anxiety)

On a scale of 1 to 10 rate your sadness

1 (no sadness) 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 (very sad)

On a scale of 1 to 10 rate your anger

1 (no anger) 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 (very angry)

Now that you have rated some strengths and emotions, I want you to reflect on your scores. To be fearful, anxious, sad, or angry, it takes strength. But it also takes strength to do everything else that you want to do during the day.

Being fearful, anxious, sad, or angry depletes your strength and energy that you could be using for other aspects of your life. Perhaps if you were not using your strength on being fearful, you would have channeled your strength into focusing on creating more confidence and taken up that job opportunity. Perhaps if you were not so angry at your partner and focused your strength on forgiveness, you could have enjoyed your weekend and went into this week feeling refreshed. Perhaps if you were not so anxious about various issues, then you would be more focused on tasks at hand or enjoy more in the moment experiences with those you love.

Fear, anxiety, sadness and anger take up so much of our day and also take control away from us. Each morning you get up pretend there are 20 energy dollars sitting next to you. Pick up the stack of singles and begin to hand them off to tasks that you encounter during the day that take strength. If you want to have energy at the end of the day, it is best not to start your day off fearful, angry, anxious or sad as you will be depleting your energy dollars before the day even begins. Just as you are conscious on how you spend your money, be conscious on how you spend your strength and energy.

The more you find ways to reduce your fears, anxieties, sadness, or anger, the more your strength, both physically and mentally, will go up. And remember, emotions are contagious. So, if you go into work with a negative attitude, those around you will “catch” the attitude and continue your attitude in a fearful, anxious, sad, or angry manner. And, I suggest that if you know someone who is fearful, anxious, sad, or angry, avoid spending a lot of time with that person because you will quickly catch their “virus.”

Tip: Your physical PLUS mental strength need to be stronger than the sum of your scores between anger, sadness, anxiety and fears. If the total of your emotions are higher than your mental and physical strength combine, we need to find ways to minimize your scores in fearful, anxious, sad, or angry sectors.

This week’s challenge is to identify two ways to minimize either your fears, anxieties, sadness and/or anger and two ways to increase your mental and physical strength.

Monday, August 18, 2014

Depression- What is it? How is it different from being Sad, and Why doesn’t everyone reach out?

Depression- What is it? How is it different from being Sad, and Why doesn’t everyone reach out?

Depression can sneak up on you. It’s this bout of sadness that just spirals out of control and begins to consume your day, week and then month. I have talked to people that are depressed, sad and some that just don’t get it. It’s okay if you don’t understand depression. However, one thing that is really important for those who have not been diagnosed with depression to know, is that you should never criticize those who do have it. I know it can be very hard to not understand why someone can’t snap out of depression and “just be happy,” but the reality is, they can’t.

Take a moment to think about what it is like to be a gold miner. That’s right. Tell me everything there is to know about mining gold. Tell me the smells, the touches and all the special terminology and tools that they use. You say you can’t? That is because you are not a gold miner. Same goes for depression, if you have not walked in the shoes of a person with depression, then you won’t understand all the in’s and out’s of what this illness really can do.

The best thing that our society can do is educate ourselves so that we can help those who have been diagnosed with depression.

1. What is depression?

Depression is a clinical diagnosis that is characterized by symptoms of feeling hopeless and notable changes in eating and sleep patterns. In addition, you will notice that a person is withdrawing from activities that they once enjoyed and that the feelings of sadness are going beyond two weeks and encompass most days of the week. It is important to note that men and women display different symptoms when it comes to depression. Whereas women tend to follow the above symptoms a bit more closely, men tend to display more anger, aggressive behaviors and/or being withdrawn.

2. How is depression different from sadness?

People who are sad tend to bounce back from events that made them sad, relatively easily. Things happen each and every day to us that make us sad, but we are still going to that football game tonight or hanging out with friends this weekend. When you are depressed you are not going to do those things. You not only don’t have the energy to bounce back, but you also begin to avoid those activities altogether.

People who are depressed also tend to think in black and white. Black and white thinking is the all or nothing thinking, this or that. This type of thinking is very extreme- at one end of the spectrum or the other-no in between. Thinking in black and white steers the mind away from the shades of grey. It is in the grey areas of thinking that opportunity and variety lie. If you can’t see opportunity or variety in your life, that is when a sense of hopelessness begins to sneak up.

3. Why won’t someone just reach out for help if they are really that “sad”?

It can be hard to understand why some people don’t reach out for help, but the reality is, there are many reasons why people choose not to. For one, the field of counseling and psychology has had a negative connotation associated with it for years. People hide or even deny that they are seeing a therapist, or what some people call a “shrink” (part of the negativity associated with therapy). Also our society deems that men should be strong enough to “deal with it.” Women don’t want to burden people by taking time for themselves and their healing so they often avoid counseling. And, some cultures also view talking to people outside of the family as being negative.

4. So what are some treatments?

First and foremost, prevention. Teach little boys and girls that it is okay to cry. Cry it out. Teach them who they can cry to and who they can talk to. Children don’t have to be strong at age 5. Let them cry. Adolescents and adults should look into finding a life coach. Although life coaching is very motivating and goal focused, if bouts of sadness come into your life, you and your coach can catch them quickly and work through them. This helps to avoid “slipping” into a depression.

For those people that have already been diagnosed with depression, there are many options available for you. Medication is a choice and that is something that should be between you and your MD. Be sure to ask questions about the pros and cons of medication. Speak up to your doctor about everything that concerns you before starting medications.

Aside from medication, exercise helps with depression. The release of endorphins boosts your mood. Nutrition also impacts your mood. Ninety percent of serotonin is made in your gut. If you are eating junk and processed foods, the serotonin has a harder time distributing through your body. Serotonin is the chemical that makes us happy. Also, be creative. You would be amazed at what painting, journaling and music can do for the soul and your mood.

Your challenge this week:

If you have a loved one who is depressed- take a different approach (using something you learned in the above article) to help them through the week.

If you have been diagnosed with depression- Use at least one of the treatments options listed above for one full week.