Be More Realistic

 

Today’s tip is on being more realistic.

Fear becomes a pattern and habit. Fear can become a way of life. Fear may be the underlying essence or barrier to fulfillment. When it comes to women, we tend to fear feelings of guilt or loss of something. How different would our lives or perspectives in decision making be if we did not fear losing something; losing likability, a lover, a friend, respect, our job, children, etc.?

When it comes to business, according to Joanna Barsh and Susie Cranston, authors of How Remarkable Women Lead, fear drives women to set an extremely high bar of standards that would stop anyone speaking up in a position. Plus, they say that women tend to overestimate their potential for unhappiness in situations and thus this inhibits us from trying new things.

Okay, so, women set a crazy high bar of standards when it comes to almost everything we do, which deters us to begin with, but then we support that even more by telling ourselves that if we take a leap and fail, our unhappiness will even be more unhappy than we would actually be….? Whew! Man we self-sabotage ourselves sometimes!

I suppose it all goes back to one essence, fear. You can knock down your fears when you set more realistic expectations in life, love and business. If you want to try something new or speak up, and you find that fear is telling you how unhappy you will be if you fail or you find yourself setting crazy high expectations; here is where I want you to do:

Examine some similar past decisions you have made, some of which you succeeded at, and some you failed at.  Then begin to determine whether or not the unhappiness was as bad as you thought it was going to be when you actually did fail and also determine if the expectations you had once created actually needed to be that high. A reflection of your past experiences will help create a more realistic perception of your future.

 

This week, be more realistic with yourself so that you can create new opportunities.    

SPEAK UP!

 

This week’s tip is on speaking up. In most cases, if you ask for what you want in an appropriate manner, people are going to say yes. Successful people ask for what they want. This concept seems very simplistic, but really, that’s all that there is to it. Just ask.

The problem with speaking up lies in the fact that many people fear rejection so much, that they would rather stay where they are at, rather than ask, and risk getting told “no.” My theory is, if you ask someone for something and they say “no,” you are in the same spot that you are today. There is not too much to lose except maybe a little ego. It’s worth the risk, because they could say yes.

 

If you don’t speak up about things, people think that you don’t care or you are not interested in the tasks at hand. You may be over looked for promotional opportunities, even if you are the highest performing, just because you never speak up and ask for what you want. Be seen and be heard.

You may be scared that you don’t know how you would handle a promotion, or maybe you think you are not ready, but I’m telling you, that is your lack of confidence in yourself and fear of failure talking. Forget them. Speak up, ask for what you want, and if you get what you want, you have proven time and time again you build your wings on the way down and land gracefully. Take the risk.

 

And remember, if you choose not to speak up, don’t blame anyone else for things always being “the same” or that things “will never change.” You have the control.

This week’s challenge is to speak up for what you want in your personal and business life. This could positively change your level of fulfillment and happiness greatly.

Stress Eliminator #2- NO IMPULSIVE DECISIONS

 

Last week we began our journey of minimizing stressors in our lives. Instead of eliminating a ton of stress habits all at once, we are going to take our time working to minimize one stress habit at a time.

Last week our focus was on worry. We worked hard to only worry when it was “go time.” There is no need to worry before an event, b/c something bad might not happen, thus you worried for no reason. But, if the event does go poorly, than you worried twice, once unnecessarily.

So, this week’s stress minimizer is…Drum roll please…….

 

 

Do not make impulsive decisions.

This goes for breaking up with boy/girlfriends, leaving a job, firing an employee, investing in stock, anything. When people make impulsive decisions, it is typically out of emotion. Making impulsive decisions decreases our confidence because those decisions are not strong and had little thought behind them.

And, even if you are in a good mood, if you quickly say “yes” to something that you do not really want to do, now you have to suffer for many days to come- doing things you don’t want to do and taking time away from the stuff you do want to do. Double negative right there.

Instead of making impulsive decisions, write decisions that you are contemplating in your journal and go back to that entry in a day or two. Re-read what you wrote, does this still sound like a good idea?

 

The best method in decision making is actually quite simplistic:            Retreat, Rethink, React- in that order.

Worry Once, Not Twice

 

This week’s challenge is to reduce stress by eliminating one thing- Unnecessary worry.

For the next few weeks, we are going to work on focusing on reducing stress in our lives. And, while I am quite aware, I can’t throw 30 de-stressing tips at you and expect you to do all of them at once- together, if we focus on one thing at a time, we can eliminate a lot of stressors in your life. Week by week, we will focus on one de-stressing tip and work to create a habit of using these tools.

This week, we are not going to worry unless it is “go time.” This week’s challenge is to worry once, not twice. This week, do not to live the same pain twice, especially if the pain might be unnecessary. If you create anxiety and tell yourself that something might go wrong, and then in fact it goes wrong, then you lived the pain twice; once before you knew if the situation was going to end badly and then once it actually ended badly. If you tell yourself that something might go wrong, and then it does not go wrong, you lived the pain initially for no reason. This goes for everything in life.

 

Do not stress out until it’s time to stress. This will save you time, energy and happiness.

 

More Relationships, More Success

 

There are many different things that fulfill people, but for many women, we have a deep need for belonging. When we are a part of something and doing well at it, we feel needed and thus satisfied. It may be why we push so hard to be accepted by people, even people we don’t care for. Have you ever stopped to ask yourself, “I don’t even like that person, why do I care so much if he likes me?” It’s this sense or deep desire to belong, be wanted or be liked.

I have noticed that women often come to me with a desire to have few friends, but those friends who they can have a strong and deep relationship with. This type of relationship allows for more intimacy and opening up. It becomes very emotional and trusting. Many times women can be “catty” or drama filled, so this desire for a few relationships, but very close, is natural and understandable.

 

On the other hand, I want you to see that habits are interconnected with our lives. Just as one sector in our lives overlaps with another, so do our habits and ways of thinking. In January, many of us set goals, some of which were regarding our success within our professional lives. My suggestion today is that we do not carry our desire to have only a few close relationships, into the business world.

Here is my reasoning:

In work, some women associate with a few close co-workers that they work with. This becomes their go to circle for questions, gossip, drama, and, did I already mention, gossip? The problem with this concept of having only a few close friends in the workplace is that the same coworkers can only provide you with so much. They tend to say the same things, they stir up the same negativity, they have listened to all your sob stories already, and, they can only offer so many opportunities to/for you.

By opening the door to having more “friends” at work, even if they are the furthest thing away from a real “friend,” you are opening your potential for more opportunities, ideas and potential for success. From just about everyone you work with, you could get something to help advance you. If you only associate with those who you can best emotionally bond to, then you have closed the door to so much more that could be offered to you professionally.

 

You will not advance or become more successful solely on your own. Even if you think you can, “do it alone,” you’re wrong, and that is why you might be feeling “stuck.” In order to attain a higher level of success, you need to build relationships- from the deepest to the most shallow (and shallow doesn’t mean low and rude, it just means basic, face value, etc.). Sometimes, relationships you have with people whom you have a very basic association with, might generate an idea that could lead to your success. They may also have the ability to introduce you to other people or divisions you do not normally interact with (once again offering you more opportunities).

 

This week’s challenge is to allow yourself to connect with more people than you normally would at work and see what other potential ideas or opportunities you could create for yourself in 2014. Keep the solely deep relationships to your personal life and add to your professional life by adding in some more casual and broad relationships.

Confidence might be all you really need

Again and again, I have written or talked about the importance of confidence. I have entire chapter in my book, Type “S”uperwoman: Finding the Life in Work Life Balance- A Self-Searching Book for Women, dedicated to the importance of confidence.

It is no secret that both men and women benefit from being confident. I am not talking about running your life with ego taking the lead or coming across cocky to those in society. I am talking about confidence in your ability to complete something; the belief that you really can do. I suppose the opposite of self-doubt.  

 

Millions of us set goals about 2 weeks ago, and sadly, only 8% of us will reach them. There are various reasons for not reaching goals, and this year, we are going to avoid the lack of confidence as being a reason to not achieve success.

Undoubtedly, once you become successful, you gain confidence. But, if you are not successful in something, and want to become successful, having confidence in your ability to achieve can sometimes be difficult. However, even when you are up against all odds, you have a chance of being successful if you just believe in your ability.

 

I am going to give you an example in my personal life of how confidence alone can help you achieve:

My son is in the 1^st grade. He has tests once or twice a month. The night before test he gets worried. The nervousness comes from doubt. I know this because I have never once scolded him for his grades, there is nothing “on the line” for him so great that he is fearful of losing something major and there are not many other factors that would contribute to him needing to be nervous at the 1^st grade level.  Before a test, as we drive into school, I talk to him. The conversation goes something like this:

“Wesley”

Yes mom

“You have that math test today, huh?”

Yep (sad face)

“Wesley, you are smart, right?”

Yep

“Say it”

I am smart

“Say it louder, Wesley”

I am smart (he screams it and smiles)

“Wesley, I know you are going to do great, but I want you to know that even if you did super bad on the test, I am not mad.”

I know mom.

“But Wesley, even if you don’t know something on the test, promise mommy that no matter what, you will be confident.”

Ok.

That is about the extent of the conversation. Now, I have said this time and time again for 2 years and never has he received lower than an A on a test. But, even if he did, as long as he promised to me he was confident in his ability, I would support him.

So, the story gets better. Wesley is 7. He golfs at a place where he practices with children 7-14, but the average age is about 12. Last week we were notified that the top 10 children (there are about 20) with the best scores over 3 weeks would get to go to a tournament against another city.

At first, I was a bit frustrated because it is not fair to have the 12, 13 and 14 year olds scores compared to my son’s scores and he is only 7. They clearly have more experience, more understanding of the game and have more physical strength. The older children have an advantage in every way over Wesley. Well, almost every way. Before Wesley went out to play, my husband told him to “make every swing count” and I advised him to be confident in his game, even if the other kids seemed to be doing really well. My last words as I walked away “Wesley, just be confident out there.”

 

Three hours later, practice ended and I arrived to pick him up. Wesley comes running off the golf course screaming “Mommy, mommy, I did what you said, I did what you said.” What the heck did I say?- I was thinking. “Mom, you told me to be confident, and I was.”

Just then, the coach approached my husband to tell him that Wesley was one of the top kids playing and has a great shot at being in the top 10 to compete.

What should you and me learn from my 7 year old…? Even when you are against the odds, and the other guy is better, more experienced, older, wiser, etc. you have a shot. If you don’t believe in yourself, you are not going to get to where you want to be. Sometimes, the only shot you have at winning or achieving is your confidence in your ability to do it.

You must really bring forth your confidence if you are pursuing a goal in which support systems will need to sacrifice to help you along the way. Do not drag people into your dream if you don’t believe in yourself.

But also, do not let fear take over and give you every reason why you cannot complete a goal. Fear will tell you how great the other guy is, how hard the goal is to attain, and challenge your confidence by putting everything about you, down. You can get through the barrier of Fear with confidence.

 

Your challenge this week to be confident is everything you do, big or small. In order to be confident you might find that you will need to stop comparing yourself to others and focus only on yourself. Focus on your abilities, even if you are the 7 year old up against all odds (age, experience, and strength). Confidence is the key to our success this week, and our overall life success.

2014 WE SCARE FEAR!

Welcome to 2014! I know you have set your goals by now, created a plan and even bought that daily planner. Kudos to you, you 2014 goal setter, you.

Sorry to burst your bubble, “Oh, motivated one” but bad news: ONLY 8% of people reach NY Resolutions/Goals. I know why; want the scoop?

Six days ago you were the same person you were today- well, except now you have a really cool 2014 planner. It is cool.

 

Even though you have set goals and created a plan, if you do not review 2013 and some of the goals that you did not achieve, you will be a part of the 92% of people who do not reach their goals this year.

The trick is in identifying ways that you self-sabotage. I can tell you in most cases, people Fear something. And, if you are the person who says “I am no longer in that part of my life where I fear things,” you are someone that still has a lot of self-searching to do.

That may sound quite pushy of me to say, but the reality is that we all have biases, things that we struggle at, and fears. Even the best of the best fear something. Maybe it is fear of being too late, not credible enough, fear of success, fear of being too young, fear of failure, fear of losing it all, etc. Fear disguises itself.  

 

Fear is faithful. It shows up in every situation. It comes with you to the bathroom, when you are relaxing alone, when you are in groups with others. It loves to sit by you as you work on life goals. No matter how many times you change the goal, the same fear can ruin your successful path. Fear is consistent.

Fear sat next to me every minute that I typed out my Type “S”uperwoman book. It stood by me longer than my husband did and it talked to me more than a gossiping 16 year old girl breaking up with her boyfriend. Fear never left my side. Fear made me cry a couple times, and even encouraged me to “take a break from this.”

When I got up at 4am to write, fear was already up at 3:59am. Sometimes fear encouraged me to “go back to it later” when I was “more rested.” When fear saw that I put on headphones and ignored it, Fear got really mad and put my credibility on the line, down playing everything I ever worked for and who I am. Fear is spiteful and hateful.

When you hit a barrier or a reason to stop working toward your goals, know that fear has stepped up its game b/c you have challenged it. By creating fear in you and then adding excuses, Fear is managing to slowly disarm the limited control and power you have. Do not give in or give up.

Here is a hint for you. If you start hearing the voice of fear get louder, know that you are probably on the right track. Fear only speaks up when it thinks you are gaining the upper hand. If you ever venture out to have fun, even something simple like 30 minutes to yourself, fear will tell you all the other things you “should” be doing. Fear will always tell you that you are wrong- about everything.

This month’s challenge is to acknowledge your fears and deal with them. If you push them aside, that is because fear is telling you that you have other things to do (aside from dealing with the real problem). If you are not self-aware of your fears AND deal with them, do not expect anything to change, including your pattern of failed New Year’s Resolutions.

2014- Fear no longer scares us: WE SCARE FEAR