Dr. Kulaga's Blog

Monday, April 13, 2015

How to Improve Willpower

How to Improve Willpower

Willpower is the ability to control yourself. Willpower is a certain level of inner strength. It can be associated with determination or even motivation. Willpower is what you use when you want to go out with friends but don’t so that you can study. Willpower is what you use when you choose not to pick up a cigarette when you are trying to stop smoking. Willpower is how much power you have over yourself. Take a moment to reflect on what aspects of your life you maintain strong willpower in. Now, take a moment to reflect on aspects of your life in which you have limited willpower. Why do you think that is? What about this area of your life are you not as strong, determined, motivated or in control? Here are a few ways that you can begin to increase your willpower in those areas.

3 ways to Improve your Willpower

Take personal responsibility.

By placing ownership for things we are not coming through on, off on something or someone else, we give the control over our decisions where it should not be going. Willpower requires control of yourself, if you are handing it over to another person or thing, you will never have enough willpower to change or complete what you are trying to do.

Tip: Begin increasing willpower by taking full responsibility for decisions and actions that you take. In return you will see both your willpower and discipline rise.

Watch your Self Talk

By watching how you talk to yourself as you make decisions you are reinforcing your personal responsibility and freedom as a person. But just as important, the way you talk to yourself has an influence over your confidence and inner strength. When you lack confidence and inner strength, you will notice that your willpower goes down. If you are consistently talking down to yourself, you decrease the level of key factors that can boost your willpower. The stronger you feel about yourself, the more inner strength you will have to make decisions that are in your best interest.

Tip: Increase willpower by talking kindly to yourself.

Define your Purpose

In business you have to have a 3 and 5 year plan. Why? Because it gives you and those around you a direction and a vision. You must have a purpose in each choice that you make for your company so that it moves in the direction of your goals. You need this same plan in life. Create weekly, monthly and yearly goals or plans for yourself, and put them in a place where you can see these goals each day. Then, each time you make a choice, be sure that it is in line with your purpose and direction. If you know why you are here in this world and if you understand where you desire to go, then your willpower and control over your choices will be stronger.

Tip: Take time to reflect on your purpose in life. Create goals and plans for your future and take these into account with each decision you make.

Dr. Jaime Kulaga is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Motivational Speaker. She is the author of "The SuperWoman's Guide to Super Fulfillment: Step-by-Step Strategies to Create Work-Life Balance." She is the inspirational founder of the nationally known SuperWoman Workshops. Dr. Kulaga has been featured internationally for her expertise in Work-Life Balance. http://www.mindfulrehab.com

Monday, April 6, 2015

Going Beyond the Minimum Due

Going Beyond the Minimum Due

So often in life we find ourselves “just getting by.” The mere fact that we survived the day checking off our to-do list makes us feel accomplished. But at the same time when we only doing what is expected of us or what is on the daily to-do list, we find ourselves living life very cyclically. We don’t give ourselves new “to-do’s” because we are so busy with the regular “to-do’s” and thus we deter ourselves from other opportunities that could boost our confidence or create even more happiness for us.

When we just do enough to “get by” we are cheating ourselves.

Take for example a student in school. The assignment calls for a 3 page paper on some topic in psychology. She completes the assignment at 9pm the night before it is due. She gets it done. She feels she “got over on this one.” Or, the co-worker who does his job duties, but never is willing to take on an extra project because it isn’t something he “has” to do.

Both these scenarios have one thing in common. A person who is getting done what is “expected” of them and has a reason why they can’t or won’t go above that ceiling. An expectation provides a minimum due, if you will. But, doing what is expected doesn’t always lead to fulfillment and happiness. So, while you feel you may have “one upped” the professor or the boss, you actually cheated yourself.

While the girl in school did get her assignment done on time, she waited until the last minute and thus doesn’t have time to read additional research that could steer her future career field into something even more exciting that she had never heard about. Going beyond in her assignments may help her to achieve a higher honor roll and consequently get scholarships or peak the interest of her professor in offering her a study aboard opportunity that could lead her to more doors once she graduates.

The co-worker who does what he is supposed to and never puts himself in a position where he can head up a group project and show his leadership skills is also cheating himself at times. By showing off his leadership skills he might find that he boosts his own confidence which in turn helps him grow in other areas of his life. Going above what is expected of him might peak the interest of a boss who offers him a raise or promotional opportunity that trickles into his family life in a positive way.

The reality is, doing what is expected will get you by.

But if you want more than a cyclical life, more than someone who checks off the same to-do’s and “gets by” you have to do more than the bare minimum. Whoever you aspire to be someday will require you to go beyond the minimum due.

Monday, March 30, 2015

Why your Limitations Really Hold you Back

Why your Limitations Really Hold you Back

Sometimes, as life passes us by, we reflect on where we are and think about how we wish things were different. It is not only life that we wish was different, but our self too. Maybe there are certain physical or mental aspects about you that hold you back. Some people have lost limbs (physical) where others battle Bi-Polar disorder, low self-esteem, or ADHD (mental).

But dwelling on all your limitations will prove to the world and yourself, that they are in fact limitations. You will quickly find yourself in a very negative cycle. In fact, this negative cycle of thought not only reduces your self-confidence, but also the confidence that other people have in you. Take a moment to think about being in a job interview. Would you sit there and spend your 45 minutes of interview time letting the interviewer know all of your limitations? Why not? Answer this yourself. If your answer was something along the lines of “because they wouldn’t give me the job,” then you get why you can’t focus on your limitations when going about your day to day life. Forty five minutes of dwelling on your limitations could really hinder you from having the life you wished for.

On another note, some people dwell on their limitations and share them with the world because they don’t want others to hold them so accountable or don’t want others to expect too much from them in case they can’t come through. This lack of confidence is hindering a life of happiness. Instead of people expecting a lot from them, people pity them. And, while being pitied here and there might feel good, being pitied all the time just confirms to our mind that even others agree that our limitations hold us back.

As we focus on what we don’t have the ability to do we unconsciously create a self-fulfilling prophecy regarding how our limitations deter us from moving forward. And, consequently we don’t live the life we wish we had. The reality is, there are millions of people with mental and physical illnesses or pains living every day as if it were their dream. They are achieving goals and climbing mountains. Instead of dwelling on your limitations, you must accept them and create a “work around.” Just as you find ways to work around other barriers that rise up in life, you must create one for what you perceive are your limitations, too.

This week’s goal: Begin switching focus on what you do have to work with in life as opposed to what you don’t have and begin your “work around” for your limitation in order to live the life you wish for.

Monday, March 16, 2015

Creating a Remix: Spicing Up Life When Life Gets Boring

“The grass isn’t greener on the other side. It’s greener where you water it.” -Unknown

“It is often possible to get greater enjoyment from what we are already doing, rather than try to find something else.” –L. Don Siebet

“The Foolish man seeks happiness in the distance, the wise grows it under his feet.” –James Oppenheim

You may have heard a couple of these quotes before. The reality is, many times we get tired of what we are currently doing in life and then we halt all operations to go find something new. And halting doesn’t always mean we halt the physical aspect, but it could mean we halt the mental aspect. Meaning, we just shut down mentally and avoid, be mean or negative toward the current relationship or task. We cease using positive energy toward developing the old.

New means passion and excitement. That sounds very fulfilling and fun. But, don’t new things get old at some point? Don’t new things eventually get boring? Think about a new hit on the radio that you love. You play it 100 times over on full blast and swear that you could never get sick of this one. This song has a great beat and you can relate to every single word this singer is saying. But, after the 200^th play, you find that you are quite sick of the song. How could that be? You absolutely loved this one! Then, one day, as you are scanning the radio stations in traffic you hear that song. Your beat just got a remix and it is mixed with an old song from “back in the day” when you were growing up! This once boring song with a little remix was all you needed to be re-sparked before you found yourself singing at the top of your lungs in the car again.

Often, most everything that we want is right in front of us. It doesn’t take an all-out manhunt of finding someone or something new to find happiness. Happiness is often about rekindling the passion and spark with what you do have. So, go ahead, create that funky remix.

Here is an example of adding in a remix at work. In the work force you may find that you are sick of your job. And while there are many reasons that it is a good idea to look for other work, there are also many reasons why you should or could stay and be happy doing it. Try taking on a new project on a topic that interests you, apply for an advancement or take on tasks that would align you with that advancement, get involved in work functions, and talk to more positive people at work.

Sometimes, relationships with partners get boring. We all go through a phase in life where we feel the spice is gone or the passion is drifting away. Instead of putting in energy walking away from this person, use your energy to add excitement. Talk together about the past and what added life to your relationship or look into each other’s bucket lists and start knocking off some goals together. Listen to each other. A great book on rekindling lost passion comes from Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages.

Whatever it is in life that you have, before you walk away from it and expend your energy on finding something new, first channel all that energy, positivity and time into what you currently have. Being at a job for 5 years and choosing to put positive energy into it before leaving might yield passion, advancement and a greater sense of self-esteem and confidence. These are the factors that lead to happiness.

Remember, if you are off to find something new, it will at one point get old, and you will have to put just as much time and energy into that relationship, job or thing that you are being requested to do now. Relationships can get boring, work can get boring, and songs on the radio can get boring. Instead of walking away from your favorite person, career or song, create a remix.

This week’s goal: Find ways to add in a little mix to the areas within your life that you feel passion or excitement is slipping away from.

Monday, March 9, 2015

Being Alone Versus Loneliness

When we are alone we may be perceived by others or ourselves as being depressed or uninteresting, we might simply just get bored, we may fear that we will somehow live a life of loneliness or we may discover some truths about ourselves that can be scary or hurtful. Initially, the sound of being “lonely” can be frightening. But just as in any situation, being lonely is a perception. The primary difference between being alone and being lonely is your attitude toward yourself.

Being alone is not bad, in fact it is a time to meditate, discover yourself and goals, and earn some self-respect. In this world of chaos and distractions we have got into a habit of not stopping, being busy and surrounding ourselves with things that are loud, disturbing and continuous. Being alone in the silence of your own home, going to a quiet safe space or simply laying in a hammock feeling the sun on your skin is actually one of the healthiest moments you can have with yourself. When you are alone with yourself, you have been given an opportunity to focus on you and to talk nicely to yourself. Take time to reflect on your successes, your positive choices and all you are grateful for. In a moment of being alone you have an opportunity to treat yourself with respect, slow down, and shape your future.

If you choose to take your time alone as an opportunity to feel lonely then you can expect to feel that way and to fear all the things that come along with that perception: lots if comparing, trying to keep up with the Jones’, feelings of emptiness, etc. ; all factors that play a role in decreased self-esteem and confidence. Your perception of the time you spend with yourself has a strong influence on how you will treat yourself when you do go back into the world of chaos and distractions. And, the way you treat yourself when you are both alone and in the day to day routine influences how other people will treat you in most capacities to begin with. Our respect from others truly does start with the way that we treat ourselves, specifically the way we treat ourselves in the moments alone when we are not putting on a front for the world.

Remember, your perception of what occurs when you are alone with yourself is your choice and ultimately influences your self-esteem and level of respect your give yourself and that is given to you.

Monday, March 2, 2015

How Annoying People Can Help You Grow

Some people are so annoying. You know those people who talk all the time? Or, the people who brag about their lives? Who really cares?! Actually, you should care. The reality is, if someone annoys you, there is an opportunity for you to discover more about yourself. As you learn about yourself, and find areas for development, you will notice your self-esteem rising.

On the outside, it appears that the woman in the office who talks about her family, job and home all the time is doing nothing but bragging. But take time to see exactly why her stories irritate you. Perhaps, you feel that you should be married by now, you should have received that promotion last year, or that you wish you could save better to get that dream home you want.

The initial perception is that she is bragging but perhaps more of a reality is that she highlights a fault or a limitation within you- and quite frankly, that irks you. Instead of taking the situation at face value and just coming to the conclusion that she is bragging, reflect inward and see exactly why she annoys you and see if this is an opportunity for you to work on an area within your life. Focusing on our personal limitations and faults is not easy to think about, let alone explore and work on.

Maybe the bragger in the office is a bit annoying, but at the same time, maybe you are able to notice that you do have a problem with spending money and not saving. Use this awareness as a way to design a plan of action for you to begin saving. As you save, you will boost your self-esteem and confidence in yourself and soon have a home of your own to “brag” about

This week’s challenge: As things or people irritate you, reflect inward and try to find out an underlying reason as to why you are annoyed. If you are open to discovering why you are irritated, work to see if the reason is an opportunity for you to work on a particular area within your life.

Monday, February 23, 2015

On Mondays, Energize and Euthanize

On Mondays, Energize and Euthanize

Sometimes the rough days are really rough. What makes things tougher is when your week starts off on the wrong foot. Mondays have always been known as a tough day because Mondays, at times, have the ability to make or break your week. We shouldn’t let this be the case, but Monday does set the tone for the week. We need to make sure then that we are mentally and physically prepared for Mondays, and that we use our ability to change perceptions if need be. In other words, if Monday morning serves us a nasty looking menu, we can’t let it give us food poisoning for the next five days.

At a meeting a few weeks back General Horst was speaking on the importance of energizing and euthanizing certain aspects to your business, and I began to implement this theory into other parts of life. So, if your Monday has stepped off on the wrong foot this week, I challenge you to do two things, energize and euthanize. Your goal here is to energize yourself and the little itty-bits of happy thoughts you might have on this tough morning. Then, euthanize the all or nothing and negative types of thinking.

Energize:

In order to energize yourself, focus on shifting your negative mindset to a healthier one. Know that a bad attitude can last 5 days and there is no reason that your tomorrow should suffer for the works of today. Focus on what is going right and how things could be worse. I know at times it can be hard to see that anything is going right, especially on a rough morning, but think about even the smallest of things and start energizing those thoughts. You can also focus on your goals for the week and what you originally wanted to accomplish. Know that you still have the rest of Monday and the entire to week to get yourself in line and headed toward that goal. It is not too late to have a great week. Also, today, more than ever, stay focused so that you feel accomplished. This will give you a boost of confidence. And, stay away from toxic or negative people who will spiral your Monday down even more. Last, eat. Be sure to eat healthy foods today as greasy or processed foods can also play a major role in spiraling your mood down or making you extra sleepy.

Euthanize:

First and foremost rid of your stubbornness. When a few bad things happen on Monday morning, it really has a way of putting us into the stubborn zone that we can’t get out of. We want to repeat the events and ruminate about what is wrong and why it went wrong. This ruminating and repeating of events is only hurting us and is going to ruin the remainder of the day and possibly the week. Step out of the stubborn zone and be open to energizing yourself.

Also, work to euthanize the all or nothing thinking. You may be thinking that the entire week is going to be rough now that XYZ happened or that you just won’t be able to get back on track at all now, but know that this is not the case. By changing your mind and euthanizing bad thoughts you will get your week on track and maybe double the good you initially projected for.

Further, it is important to get rid of your negative thoughts and rumination because you are going to bring others around you down, and that isn’t fair. Why should those you love suffer because you aren’t willing to get out of this rut? Your brain also likes to be right, so if you try and hunt down reasons why you are going to have a bad week, then you are going to find those reasons. So, be sure to euthanize the negative thinking, negative self-talk, and the hunt for all things bad.

The difference between those who do really well in this world and those who struggle is that those who do well know that they will hit rough patches, and often on Mondays, but accept it and create a plan to work through it. Those who have it rough dwell on the negative events and let it ruin their weeks. This week’s challenge: if you are off to a rough Monday, change the course of your week through energizing or euthanizing.