Dr. Kulaga's Blog

Monday, February 16, 2015

Relationships are Rewards Not Solutions

Relationships are Rewards Not Solutions

Often when we are in a rut or feeling blue, we firmly believe that the solution to most of our problems is a good relationship with someone. This person would love us, care for us, and share happy moments with us. As wonderful as all of this sounds, a relationship with someone is not going to take away your problems or negative feelings, only you can do that. And, if you depend on someone to take away your problems for you, the relationship isn’t going to have a strong foundation and you might quickly find yourself alone once more. As a consequence you may find yourself internalizing these losses as something that is wrong with you, spiraling down your self-confidence and self-esteem.

Instead, stop giving others so much control to make you feel better and reassume that control yourself. So many individuals come to my office with the goal of meeting a partner and soon realize that the strategy has nothing to do with finding a mate. Rather we focus on getting their minds and bodies right and soon thereafter somehow, someway they find themselves having met someone.

The reward for getting your mind and body right is a relationship, the relationship is not the solution. When you find that your anger, resentment, depression and low self-esteem have gone away, you emit a different light, you hold yourself a bit more confidently, and consequently you attract new people and new opportunities that will fulfill your life for the right reasons.

Dr. Jaime Kulaga is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Motivational Speaker. She is the author of "The SuperWoman's Guide to Super Fulfillment: Step-by-Step Strategies to Create Work-Life Balance." She is the inspirational founder of the nationally known SuperWoman Workshops. Dr. Kulaga has been featured internationally for her expertise in Work-Life Balance. http://www.mindfulrehab.com

Monday, February 9, 2015

This is Your Brain, This is Your Brain on AutoPilot

Our brain takes on a lot of different situations, tasks and information each and every day. In order to take in some new information that might take some skill to learn, our mind allows us to use autopilot for tasks that are more of a habit or that we are very familiar with. According to Keeley (1994), when we first take in information our brain processes it under the novel circuit. Once we grasp the concept, our brain hands the information over to a second circuit that manages learned tasks. When a tasks is learned it requires less attention and activity than previous. This allows our brain to free up space for new incoming content.

Have you ever showered, and did not think about showering. You were showering and thinking about your plan for the day, the past weekend, or anything else but showering. Then you get step out of the bath and realize you completely showered with barely any focus on it at all. Your brain switched to auto pilot. Here is another example of when your brain use auto pilot. Lets say you drive the same way to work each day. You come off street X and turn to street Y, never taking street Z. But, you now have plans to attend a speaking engagement and you know that you must take street Z to arrive there. As you drive you will have to stay very aware that you do not continue on street Y and that you force yourself to turn on street Z. When your mind goes on autopilot it will do what it always does and if you need to interrupt the typical flow, you will have to work to take yourself off autopilot.

Your brain works to save energy for you and helps you to take in new information by using its autopilot. However, it is also important when doing the same day in and day out tasks that you be sure that your brain allows you to enjoy moments, be present with family, and observe all that you have to be grateful for each day. Often we get caught up in the autopilot of life, and when sitting at dinner with the family, we are silently recapping the day or planning the next, not hearing what our child is saying at the table or your spouse mentioned about his/her day.

This week, as your brain automatically switches itself to autopilot, make sure that you have some control over its choices and decisions by being present when it matters most.

Dr. Jaime Kulaga is a Certified Life Coach, Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Motivational Speaker. She is the author of the upcoming book "The SuperWoman's Guide to Super Fulfillment: Step-by-Step Strategies to Create Work-Life Balance," to be published in March 2015. She is the inspirational founder of the nationally known SuperWoman Workshops. Dr. Kulaga has been featured internationally for her expertise in Work-Life Balance. http://www.mindfulrehab.com

Monday, February 2, 2015

Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself: What to Assess When Your Mood is Low

If you are noticing a dip in your mood, there are a variety of things that you can look at and try to work on. Perhaps you are eating more fast food, not working out, have hormonal changes, are taking certain medications, or are hanging out with negative people. All these factors will contribute to a dip in your mood. However, there are other factors that play a role in mood that require you to be honest and open with yourself. It is not always easy fessing up to having a pessimistic outlook, acknowledging that you enjoy throwing yourself a pity party, or becoming aware of the fact that you feel you have lost direction in your life. Although these areas are not easy to examine, the reality is that they are necessary to look at in order to be true to yourself, find fulfillment, and get that pep in your mood back. Here are 3 areas in your life you can assess when your notice a mood drop:

1. Check your Attitude

A dip in mood could mean a dip in the way that you are seeing your world. With the hectic-ness of life it is easy to slip into negative thinking at times. But it is also important to catch the bout of pessimism and work through it. In order to work through a negative mood you have to start looking at more of what you do have as opposed to all the things you don’t have. Being grateful and aware of all things that you have earned, received and been given is what makes our life fulfilling and upbeat. The more you focus on what you have the more you begin to feel positive about life. You will also notice more opportunities, supports and friendships as you refocus your vision. When checking on your attitude look to see if your focus is more on what you do have or what you don’t have.

2. Note Your Ability to be Resilient

Resilience is the ability to bounce back up after life tries to knock you down. If you are noticing that the bouncing back is more like falling and staying down, perhaps your level of resilience is low. While we should all be grateful for each day, the reality is life also delivers trials that don’t go unnoticed. When the trials build up and we do not have some sort of release for the stress that builds, we begin to lack the energy (or resilience) to bounce back up after we are hit. In order to increase your resilience, take stressors off your plate. Sit back and look at what is weighing you down in life that you no longer need to carry. Then, take that off your back so you are freer to bounce back when you get knocked down.

To build up your resilience, you can also stay ahead of your challenges. Reflect on some major barriers that could potentially lie ahead of new projects or goals and put a basic plan into place to be prepared for those barriers. This does not mean to let fear rule you as you think about every little detail that could go wrong, but it does mean acknowledging that barriers arise and you can prepare become adaptable and flexible in order to overcome those challenges.

3. Evaluate Your Passion

One of the hardest times in life is when you realize that you have lost a spark. That spark is often referred to as passion and sometimes we lose it in our personal or professional lives. It can be hard reflecting on life at missed opportunities or regrets. But focusing your time on opportunities that you have missed puts your focus in the past. The past is in a time you cannot get back and thus it distracts you from the opportunities in the present. Opportunities are around you each day. In fact, every problem is an opportunity. Opportunities spark passion.

When you have lost passion in your life you may find that you come to two roads. The first road allows you to work to re-spark up passion. Take this time to review or clarify your visions in life or business. Reflecting on why you started a mission or goal and taking a moment to look back at all the hardships you have already made it through might empower you to keep pushing with desire and renewed passion. Rekindling your passion will boost your self-esteem, creative side and generate a whole bunch of happiness.

The second road you may face when you have lost your passion is the road of brand new beginnings. Instead of dwelling on time lost for something that did not work out, channel that energy into working on new passions. Going back to the start line is sometimes the biggest step forward you could ever take. For many people they lose passion in their careers, and do not leave their jobs. If you choose not to leave a situation in your life where passion no longer exists, be sure to search for outside of work passions like taking up certain sports, hobbies or activities that will create passion once more in your life. Creating passion in one sector of your life will rub off in others and give your mood an overall boost.

Monday, January 26, 2015

Humble Leadership

Humble Leadership

There is nothing worse than a leader making people feel “below” him. Often the leaders who have the mentality of people being “below” him are the ones with their own demons to battle at night. In almost every business there is a hierarchy. That hierarchy demonstrates the structural position of how the company operates and communicates, but that hierarchy does not demonstrate who is a better or more valuable person in life. Often it is the people who are not laterally at the top of the hierarchy that truly make the company a success. These people believe in you, your systems and engage in the labor that allow you to work on the business each day. It is then most important that a leader understands his role is to motivate, inspire and be humble.

But what makes a leader humble? A humble leader recognizes that people work interconnectedly, from all levels of an organizational hierarchy to get a job completed and a business to run successfully. A humble leader believes that people other than himself have amazing ideas that should be valued and explored. And, with upmost significance, a humble leader consistently reminds himself of where he came from and acknowledges the people that have helped him along the way.

If you have moved up in life or business along your journey, there are good chances that at some point someone made you feel inferior to them. Take a moment and remember that feeling. That one feeling sometimes has the power to minimize a person’s confidence, increase his self-doubt, or stir up anger that they then bring into their homes where there are children and a partner. As you make others feel inferior, you are doing a direct injustice to yourself. You lose respect from people and you decrease productivity in your workplace.

Whether you find yourself religious, spiritual or neither, live out the passage in Proverbs 27:1 : “Do not boast about tomorrow, For you do not know what a day may bring forth. Let another praise you, and not your own mouth.” In order to be humble make sure that you are letting your team of life (family, friends, co-workers or employees) know what you are grateful for each day. Let people know why you appreciate them. At the end of each day personally reflect on the things that you were most grateful for. Be sure to give yourself credit for what you worked for, but also reflect on what people did to help you. This will keep your level of humility high.

Monday, January 19, 2015

Is Your Ceiling too Low? Breaking Through the Invisible Barriers that Stop Our Success

Is Your Ceiling too Low? Breaking Through the Invisible Barriers that Stop Our Success

Walk into a house and notice regular height ceilings. Looks good at first but soon you notice there are some things that just won’t fit because the ceiling is too low. Walk into that same house with vaulted ceilings and the home looks bigger and more spacious. Now take yourself to the Vatican. Look up. How amazing. The ceilings are so far up and the scenery just got a lot more beautiful. Now look higher than the ceiling, your highest ceiling is the sky. The sky is endless and has so much beauty.

Where is your ceiling to life? Have you made invisible barriers that represent a ceiling? You can gauge your ceiling by measuring your self-doubt. If you don’t set goals because of fear of failure or a lack of self-confidence, you might have placed barriers into your life that represent a home with traditional ceilings. If this is the case, create a list of major lifetime successes and also very current successes (small or big). Come up with at least 10. You have ten. Review this list and note how you were able to overcome barriers and build up your confidence in the past in order to achieve. Now set goals that will push you to a “vaulted ceilings” level.

On the other hand you might have self-confidence and are able to push aside doubt at times. Your ceiling to life might be at a “vaulted ceilings level.” Your trouble might be that your dreams and goals are not big enough. You might notice that you tend to play life safe. Seth Godin, Author of the Purple Cow said that staying safe is what is risky in life. And, I believe this. By setting goals that are outside of your comfort zone, you challenge your confidence to grow. As you work toward growing outside of your safety net, your confidence grows and you will begin to live life more fulfilled and interesting because you are discovering new things. You will begin to notice new passions and deeper excitement. You are now in the Vatican.

If your dreams and goals are big, you have passion for just about each day of your life and you rarely lack confidence, your ceiling of life might be at a Vatican level. Your challenge here is to keep pushing yourself to be open to new experiences and opportunities. When a problem rears its ugly head, quickly turn it into an opportunity to grow and develop. But most importantly, if your ceiling to life is as tall as the Vatican you are challenged to now help others identify how tall their ceiling to life is and to encourage them to break those barriers. Share your goals, passions and stories to help others fight through fear and break the invisible barriers they have created. As you do this, you will become a person of influence. A person who achieves big and has the influence and desire to pull people up has created a ceiling to life of endless opportunity and fulfillment, the sky.

This week your challenge is to identify how high you have placed a ceiling over you and create a plan to raise the ceiling to the next level.

Monday, January 12, 2015

2015 Focus: Intrinsic Motivators

2015 Focus: Intrinsic Motivators

This is going to be a good year for a lot of people for a variety of reasons. This is the year to take the leap, push for that next step and live fulfilled. In life we are often motivated by intrinsic and extrinsic factors. Extrinsic factors are those that are more tangible, like money, stocks, health benefits and time off.

Intrinsic motivators are more feeling based. For example, that feeling you get when you know you really helped someone, just being excited to go to work, or feeling appreciated. In 2015 your challenge is to focus on the intrinsic motivators. Do things that make you feel excited, fulfilled and appreciated. Many people who chase the extrinsic motivators are happy on the forefront, but if you want sustained happiness and peace, first chase the intrinsic motivators and extrinsic rewards will follow without force.

When you cycle in life, you cycle the same things each day, might as well be passionate and excited to wake up each day as opposed to living for the dollar. This is not to say you should forget your responsibilities, but if you have to work, might as well work for what sparks enjoyment and happiness.

When you go to bed at night to rest from a day of work, but you are resting from work that was fulfilling, you get a different kind of rest compared to those who are trying to fall asleep and stay asleep as a method to avoid their day. Work you love and work you hate both take work, so make the leap into working for something that you believe in, something that motivates you and something that gives you intrinsic rewards.

In 2015 when you take the leap toward your goals, go all the way. Do not short cut the leap, do not find “alternate ways” to get to the end. Go all the way. Do it the right way. The right way is usually tougher. It involves more sacrifice, more money, more time, more energy, more of a mental fight initially, but if you don’t short cut your goal, you will end up with the entire goal achieved.

Taking a leap will require more confidence than you presently have and that requires hurdling fear. If you want to hurdle fear don’t think about it. The more time that passes you by the more your fears exacerbate. This is because you begin to ruminate and analyze your fears. You spend time on your fears and not your goals.

Problems will be present for your entire life, but they are not your entire life. Read that again. Problems will be present for your entire life, but they are not your entire life. Don’t dwell on problems as you take your leap, see problems as opportunities and be solution focused. You will hurdle your fears and pains much faster in 2015 if you don’t stop to dwell but you keep running toward solutions.

Goal attainment will build confidence and confidence provides more awareness into the opportunities around you. More opportunity and more confidence leads to more success more success brings extrinsic rewards.

In 2015 focus on intrinsic motivators.

Monday, January 5, 2015

How To Not Fall off the Resolution Band Wagon: Setting Yourself up for Success in 2015

Welcome to 2015! Today is the first full week back in high gear since the holidays. Many of us are gung-ho about 2015 and all our goals and resolutions. Sad reality is that by June at least 50% of us will have lost sight of those goals and steered off the resolution path.

These stats are not being provided to put a damper on your positive outlook, but instead give you some tips on how to keep your mind clear and stay on a strong path in 2015. This way, on June 1, instead of jumping off the band wagon with some others, you can stay on for the rest of the year.

Below are 3 quick tips to staying on track in 2015:

1. Set SMART Goals.

Smart goals are goals that are specific, measureable, attainable, realistic and time bound. Don’t just say “I want a promotion in 2015.” Instead, state what you want to be promoted to and by what month and year. For example, I want to be promoted to Director of XYZ by October 2015. Note that this time frame is also realistic. If you want to be promoted by March that might not give you enough time to actually deserve or achieve this position. Then, in March, when you don’t get promoted you may find yourself getting easily discouraged at work or that you have changed your positive attitude to become more negative. So, be realistic in your goal setting. And, as you set goals this year, also make sure that they are in line with your values, that you are not setting them based upon “keeping up with the Jones’s,” and, that they are goals YOU actually want to achieve, not what other people think you should push for.

2. Don’t Live in 2014.

This is the New Year. If you plan to live in the previous year, than don’t call it the New Year quite yet. By staying present and future focused, you focus on what you can control and create-unlike those of us who might be living in the past. Use the past as a learning experience, but not a place to dwell or ruminate on. Thinking about all the past woulda, coulda and shouldas will defeat the purpose of your New Year, and increase your stress in the present. Instead, channel your energy into moving you forward in 2015 instead of blasting you back into the past.

3. Be Open to New Experiences.

Want more opportunity in 2015? Want more happiness and fulfillment? Then take up new experiences. From small tasks, like trying new restaurants and new foods, to creating new projects in your personal or professional life, be open to new experiences. By taking up new experiences you just never know what passions, opportunities or happiness you will discover. As you take on new opportunities, acknowledge that you may feel some discomfort because you will be stepping outside of your comfort zone for some of these things. But, know that this discomfort is only temporary and by pushing beyond your typical zone you will find new results in this New Year.